Those who are harmed by intimate partner violence may show a life long pattern of exposure to violence, even in early childhood. However, for others, violence enters a relationship due to increased stress on those who didn’t get help growing up developing good relationship and problem solving skills. Finally, some become victims of hitting, kicking, stabbing, and other forms of violence because they were lonely and a partner came forward who seemed at first to be a good match, but turned out to be violent. To learn more register at: https://www.npeiv.org/webinar-trainings

If you register but can’t attend in person, you will be sent a link so that you can watch the recording. #Physical abuse #intimate partner violence #treatment

Marissa had a fortunate childhood with loving and financially secure parents. She found dating as a teen, at worst, boring. Now, a recent widow at age 70, she is a survivor of sexual assault and rape by a neighborhood. To learn more about intimate partner violence and sexual assault in older adult years register for the presentation at the following link: https://www.npeiv.org/webinar-trainings If you can’t attend live on zoom to ask your questions, if you register, you will gain access to the recording of this presentation.

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This video provides an example of destructive parenting that causes harm to children and youth and provides you with ideas for what could be done to help end this type of parenting.

By P. Berman 

I don’t get this at all. But, I am caught now, I have to wait for her to show up. 

Craig didn’t know what to think. A moment ago, he was sure Claire had been lying to him. Now, hearing this guy Mr. Carson knew he was coming to take Claire out, he just felt confused. If there was anything, he hated more than being lied to, it was not knowing if he was being lied to. His father had taught him early that he was not to grow into one of those idiots, who couldn’t tell a “lie” from the “truth”.  

The licking continued….Butch loved this Carson guy whoever, he was. Craig watched him scratching the perfect spots on Butch’s back; should he trust Butch’s instincts? Just as he was mulling this over, Claire rushed to the open door. She had a huge smile on her face, and she looked so happy, gentle and innocent. 

Could she look like this and be a liar? 

Craig looked into her eyes and hoped he could see the truth, that she wasn’t trying to deceive him. He would give her a chance to explain things. His dad acted like a smart man could always tell when a woman was lying; there had been times when he assumed the worst, because he wasn’t sure. Did his confusion mean he was the idiot his dad often called him? Could his dad be wrong, and it actually be tough to tell sometimes? 

What’s the difference between the truth and a lie? 

It depends on who you ask. 

Most young children would agree with the definition on www.quora.com, if it “doesn’t match the facts” it’s a lie- in the simpliest sense of what truth means. Young children can’t understand the “intent” of the person who might be giving inaccurate, but not intentionally wrong information. For example, someone saying it is 10 a.m. when the clock on the wall says 10 a.m. and not realizing the clock’s battery is about at its limit.  

Young children also don’t know the different that “time” plays in what happens in their lives. If you say you will take them out to play in an hour, when you are done with work, but then it starts to rain so an hour goes by and you say going outside has to be put off, the child may well call you a liar. 

What about adults like Craig? 

Claire had not left “Davy out” of her talks with Craig. She had just given all control of the conversations she had with Craig – to him. Thus, Davy literally never came up. She had been learning from the Carsons for years now, about the importance of being an honest person and she had been working hard at helping Davy understand the difference between a truth or a lie. She had not intentionally “deceived” Craig about her circumstances. 

Is there a difference between being honest and being truthful?  

To read about why Craig may struggling to know when someone is trustworthy go to: 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ambigamy/201808/the-difference-between-honesty-and-truth 

By P. Berman 

This game lasts so long! I want to get up…wait, what is that? 

Davy was so tired of sitting for the football game. But he didn’t want to leave Mr. Carson alone. Then, he heard it. Dare he look up? Davy looked at Mr. Carson- yes, he was asleep and snoring! Davy very slowly unfolded his legs- he didn’t cry out even though his legs were cramping. He crawled on his hands and knees out of the living room. 

I am almost out! I can run upstairs and play. Oh no! 

Davy could almost taste it, the excitement of being able to go up to his room and play. But then the door– bell rang. Alarmed Davy looked into the living room; Mr. Carson had rolled slightly in his chair but was still asleep. Davy had to get to the door before it could ring again and wake Mr. Carson up. He didn’t want to go back to watching the game again. 

Davy crawled fast to the door, jumped up and opened it! 

It’s so wet. But he’s so cute. 

Davy had a dog’s noise pressed up against his. Davy jumped up and was petting the dog completely forgetting his manners. He didn’t even notice Craig standing there, looking down at him in total surprise. 

Who is this? His hair matches Claire’s. What is this? 

Butch was enjoying the petting from Davy and he began licking Davy’s face. Craig noticed that the little boy seemed to know how to treat a dog. Craig wondered briefly if Claire could be a live-in babysitter or something. He knew this was the right house, he had seen Claire going in there. He was beginning to feel annoyed, left outside and ignored.  

“Hey, kid, is there someone named Claire living here?” Davy looked up from Butch and noticed this tall man staring down at him. Davy remembered his manners. “Hello, I’m Davy,” he reached out his hand to Craig. Bemused, he shook the hand of this little boy. When no further action happened. He said again, “Hey, I am looking for Claire. Is she here?” 

What a silly question. Of course, his mommy was here. But, who was this man and why was he here? 

Davy was very curious, but he knew what he had to do next. “Sorry, I am not allowed to let strangers in. You will have to wait while I get my mommy.” Davy shut the door and ran upstairs. Craig didn’t know what to do. Should he take off? Wait for an explanation? While he was trying to figure this out, Butch had been pulling on his lease. Why had the petting stopped? Butch started to bark. Craig tried to quiet him down, but before he could, it had woken Mr. Carson up and now he opened the door. 

Surprised for a moment he just stood there before remembering what was going on. He then placed the guy and the dog. Claire had a date at the park with this guy. “Hello,” he said, “putting his hand out just like Davy had. “I’m Mr. Carson, you must be Craig. Come on in I am sure Claire is ready.”  

Now who was this guy. What rig was Claire running here? 

Craig was feeling uninformed and out-of-control. He had watched Claire go home twice. He had thought he knew what was going on. He hated this feeling of not knowing what might happen next. On the other hand, now this Mr. Carson was patting his dog and asking him, “What’s the big guy’s name?” 

Is Claire’s date going to end before it stops? 

Should she have mentioned Davy to Craig? 

By P. Berman 

What should I tell him? Will he be jealous? Will he get scared? 

Claire had just put away the last grocery as Davy came in from the backyard with Mr. Carson. “Mommy can you play a board game with me? Mr. Carson says he is too tired.” Claire look into Mr. Carson’s face. He did look very tired.  Claire was worried about him; he should sit down and relax.“What did you do to tire our Mr. Carson out?”  

Davy started laughing. “Well, maybe I did run after a squirrel into the forest and maybe I was sitting in the grass watching it eat so Mr. Carson didn’t see me. And,” Davy said apologetically, “maybe, I should have heard my name called but...mommy the squirrel has tiny paws that it uses to eat, and I was so amazed it took me awhile to hear.” 

My curious Davy. But, he has to learn to be more careful when he is out in the woods. 

Claire could see in her mind just how it happened. She felt pulled between smiling at his joy and anxiety over his recklessness. Sitting down in the tall grass in the woods, and not calling back to Mr. Carson was dangerous– he could get lost – the woods went on for miles.” Mr. Carson saw the emotions play across Claire’s face. He had become very anxious when Davy didn’t immediately respond to his calling out. But he didn’t want Claire to get overly upset. He noticed she still had a hard time calming down once she got anxious. 

 “He did apologize Claire, but I admit, I did get nervous and start rushing back and forth thinking he might have fallen and gotten hurt.” “I never get hurt Mr. Carson, you don’t have to worry about me.” “Davy,” Mr. Carson said with a chuckle, “you get hurt all the time because you run so fast, your feet don’t notice rocks in the grass!” 

Why does he look so pale? Could Mr. Carson be coming down with something? 

“Davy, I think we should tuck Mr. Carson in his favorite chair with his sports blanket. I know you don’t like to watch sports on TV but, since you tired Mr. Carson out, you should sit near him and get him his soda and snacks whenever he wants them.” 

Why do big people tire out so fast? He is so old. I can’t make him chase me so much. 

Davy was looking up at Mr. Carson and really paying attention to him for the first time all morning. He did look very tired. They had been playing outside all morning; Mr. Carson had mentioned it was time to go back inside, right before Davy got distracted by the squirrel. Davy felt very selfish. He loved Mr. Carson; he shouldn’t forget how old he was!  

Davy hated watching sports because it meant he had to sit still. His mommy had told him many times that sometimes, you had to do something you weren’t interested in, just because someone you loved cared about it. When Davy looked up at Mr. Carson and saw the fatigue in his face, he was instantly sorry he wasn’t acting interested. “I will help you Mr. Carson. You can explain the game to me again and maybe I will like it this time”.  

Mr. Carson took Davy’s offered hand but started to chuckle. “I won’t explain things to you Davy, don’t worry.” Claire took his other hand and they walked together into the living room. Davy held Mr. Carson’s blanket while Mr. Carson sat down, flipped the switch and popped his legs up the way that made Davy laugh. 

Claire turned on the TV and was happy to see that Davy was sitting down next to Mr. Carson, holding his hand, and asking questions. Claire sighed. Her Davy was learning a lot about how to care for others.  

How did he learn all this? 

Would you like to learn how to help children learn to be kind and caring? 

You can find a lot of ideas at: 

https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/kids-care 

By P. Berman 

He is coming today! I have to finish shopping! I need to get ready! But, it’s also laundry day… 

Claire is almost done with shopping for the week. Then, she needs to do the laundry and get ready for her date. If only she had done some loads last night but she had been so tired after playing games with Davy outside. It had been such a beautiful day, and knowing she was going to be gone this afternoon made her feel she needed to put out the extra effort. Her Davy was never going to feel she didn’t have time to spend with him. 

There was such a long line at checkout. She almost snapped at the checkout woman when it was her turn at the register. Then she noticed the button saying, “it’s my first day.” Fortunately, she was able to swallow the criticism that had felt about to burst out of her mouth. She remembered how bad she had felt when a mom had yelled at her on her first day as a hygienist. She took a few deep breaths and smiled at the young woman and said, “first days are hard, aren’t they?” The young woman had just stooped over to pick up a can she had just dropped. “I am sorry, I am so clumsy. I will get someone to replace this.”  

Oh, no, this would take more time. But it was Mr. Carson’s favorite can of baked beans. 

Claire swallowed her impatience, Mrs. Carson was making franks and beans for dinner so she couldn’t leave the store without it. The young woman looked so stressed out. Claire said, “I have noticed that if I slow down, I’m not as clumsy. I think everyone drops things when they are going too fast.” The young woman looked quickly around and then whispered, “the manager told me the last checkout person was fired for going too slow.” 

The manager should not have said that. It was just going to push this woman to make more mistakes before she learned the job. Claire tried her best to be helpful. “I think that the first few days, you have to go slow. Then, you probably will have learned what all the keys stand for, how to check the produce costs, and you get faster. That person who got fired probably had been on the job long enough to have been going faster.”  

It had taken a lot of effort for Claire to speak up. But she was glad she had. It looked like twenty pounds had fallen off that woman’s back. She was standing up straighter and was actually going faster. Claire wondered if fear had been interfering in her doing the job well. It was hard, to always be aware of how she was affecting other people. But seeing that young woman smile at her, and look more self-confident, was a type of reward.  

It seemed like everything today was going so slow today but maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. Maybe, she would have missed important moments with other people today if she had kept rushing.  

The parking lot was jammed with cars as Claire packed the trunk of the Carson’s car. When she got in, she realized that she was forty-minutes behind schedule. She wouldn’t get home on time to do the laundry before Craig showed up.  

Don’t freak out. It’s okay. You can handle it. 

Claire practiced saying calming things to herself, like Dr. Berman had taught her. In a few second, her anxiety had been stopped in its tracks. Her brain was working again. She realized that when she got back from the park at 5, she could collect all the laundry before dinner. She could make a game out of doing the laundry after dinner. She could let Davy “help,” it would take more time, but it would be their evening play time. Whenever Davy stretched to put clothes in the washer or leaned in to get clothes out of the dryer, Claire could tickle him.  

From being anxious, Claire was now feeling great. Slowing down and being more aware/mindful of what she had been doing led her to engage in helping someone else. She had remembered the pain of being yelled at her first day of work, when she was doing her best. She had used the memory of this pain to get herself to reach out and help someone else. Now, thinking about that day, and that mother, was going to make her smile not cringe. 

It isn’t easy to notice what is going on around you, when you have so much to do.  

Consider taking a moment today and notice if there is anything you could say or do to help someone else. 

If you do it, notice how it influences the rest of your day. Or maybe, even events much later, like whenever Claire was triggered to remember her first day at work.