By    K. Hecht, A. Hosack & P. Berman

Everything’s going the way I’d hoped. I’ll wait till next week and then ask her out.

Craig was thinking about Claire every day. He imagined he saw the back of her hair swinging whenever he was in a crowd. He couldn’t stop himself from rushing up to see if the woman was Claire despite knowing how unlikely that was. Sometimes he would remember the look on her face when he had gotten angry with her. She had pulled away so quickly! She must have come from a very protected environment to pull away like that just because he had become angry.

Thinking of Claire as fragile just deepened Craig’s interest in her. Today, he had gotten off work an hour early. He traveled on the bus and got off at what he knew to be Claire’s home stop. He looked around and found a place where he thought he could observe the bus but not be seen himself. He read a newspaper as he patiently waited for Claire to get off the bus.

It seemed like no time before he was watching her as she slowly walked down the steps of the bus. She looked discouraged. He hoped it was because she had missed seeing him. As soon as she was about a block away, he came out of his hiding place and slowly followed her. In a few moments, he had to stop and hold his breath. Claire was walking down a path to the front of a house. He watched her as she unlocked the door and went inside.

Craig turned around and went back to the bus stop very pleased with himself. He knew where she lived! He knew where she lived and now could find her anytime!

Claire had been very disappointed that she hadn’t seen Craig on the bus. He probably had no real interest in her after all. He probably had just talked to her to pass the time before he got off the bus himself. What should she expect? Why would such a handsome man be interested in her? Before she could get herself into too deep a funk, her little ball of dynamite hurled himself at her legs and gave her such a tight hug that she almost fell over.

“Welcome home my mommy,” Davy said with a smile. “I love you so much my Davy,” Claire said as she leaned over and kissed him on the top of the head. “Come in the kitchen mommy, I was given a star today in school.” Davy gave her his kindergarten grade report and there on the top was a gold star. The teacher wrote underneath it, that Davy had earned a star for being voted the boy in class most likely to share with others. Claire grabbed Davy and swung him around and around till he was laughing and gasping for air. “I am so proud of you Davy, you are being a good friend to everybody in your class by sharing so well,” Claire said. “Yes, and I’m not going to try to teach them to steal either mommy,” Davy said. Mrs. Carson chocked as she tried not to laugh.

Davy gave Mrs. Carson a confused look but then, Claire was giving him a big hug and all he wanted to do was clutch her and smile.  “You are a good friend Davy, you are showing other kids how to share not how to steal,” Claire said.

Have you struggled trying to explain to a young child the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie? Consider buying a book that helps you read to your child while the story opens up the subject. To see an example consider watching the video below:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8lWQ0cCJmg

By     P. Berman, K. Hecht & A. Hosack

What are they talking about? Will they tell me?

Davy came bouncing into the room. He had heard the tail end of his mommy’s conversation with Mrs. Carson and he was very curious. He could tell by their tone of voice that they were having a serious grown-up conversation; he wanted to know what it was all about.  “Mommy, what are you and Mrs. Carson talking about?” Davy asked giving her a big smile.

Claire wasn’t fooled by the smile. She could tell by the look on his face the Davy was just curious, and he didn’t need to know what they were talking about. It wasn’t a little kid’s topic. Or was it?  After a moment reflection, Claire changed her mind- it was a kid’s topic.  “Davy we were talking about something very important, it was how to tell the difference between a good and a bad friend,” Claire said. “If I kid is a friend of mine, then he’s got to be good!” said Davy. “You could be right, but not always. What if you met another boy at the park and he shared his snack with you? (Davy is nodding yes). I see you think he’s a great friend, but I don’t know.  It was a great snack – it was a candy bar and chocolate milk. But is a great snack the same thing as a great friend?” Claire asked.

“Of course, it is mommy. He shared delicious stuff with me that he could have just eaten by himself,” Davy said. “He did share delicious stuff with you. Sharing is a sign of being a good friend. But what if when you were done, he told you that he was still hungry, but you didn’t have any food to share with him? Would that make you a bad friend?” “No mommy no. I would have shared something with him, but I didn’t have anything to share.” “That’s right Davy, you wouldn’t be a bad friend just because you didn’t share food with him. I never send you to the park with food.”

“What if your friend said, you didn’t need to bring food to the park. His mommy hadn’t given him any food to take either,” Claire said. “This story doesn’t make sense mommy how could he be giving me a candy bar and chocolate milk if he didn’t bring any food with them to the park,” Davy said. “What if he told you that he could show you how to have food at the park whenever you wanted it. Would that make him a good friend?” His mother asked.

“He must be a magician mommy if he can have food whenever he wants it even when his mommy or his Mrs. Carson doesn’t give it to him,” Davy said. Mrs. Carson smiled broadly but Claire still had a serious look on her face. “What if your friend said follow me and I’ll teach you how to get food whenever you want it. He then brings you to a small store that’s right at the corner of the park. The store is very busy with lots of grown-ups rushing in and out buying things. There’s only one man at the store checking people out and taking their money in exchange for the things they’re buying,” Claire said, “Mrs. Carson are you getting curious how this friend gets food?” “Maybe his family doesn’t give him food to take to the park,” Mrs. Carson said, “but they give him money to spend at the store.”

“What do you think Davy, if his family gave him money to spend at the store and he bought snacks and then shared them with you, does this sound like he’s a good friend?” Claire asked. “Yes, yes mommy, he actually spends his valuable money on something that he shares with me,” Davy said. “He is sharing again isn’t he Mrs. Carson?” “That is one sign of being a good friend that you will share something valuable with that person whether it is food, or money, or toy,” Mrs. Carson agreed.

“Unfortunately, this new friend doesn’t have any money in his pocket. He turns to you and says, I always come to the park now because it’s really busy at the store now and the man doesn’t notice when small people like us sneak in and out to get treats,” Claire says, bringing the story to an end.

Davy was looking down in confusion. “That’s a sad end to this story Claire,” Mrs. Carson said. “This child doesn’t understand that stealing from the store is wrong. He is now trying to get Davy to steal. This is what makes him a bad friend. He’s trying to do something nice, but he’s involving Davy in something bad.”

“Why would he do such a bad thing mommy?” Davy asked. “No one learns right and wrong all by themselves my Davy. They need help the kind of help that me and the Carsons’ have given you,”  Claire concluded. “Maybe he could become a good friend if he was given help learning about right and wrong mommy,” Davy asked sadly.

“You are so right Davy. He could learn about right and wrong and stop stealing. However, it wouldn’t happen fast, it would take time,” Claire said.

Did you ever lie when you were a child?

Did you ever steal anything when you were a child?

If your answer was yes, then you’re part of the great majority. Almost everyone has stolen and lied at some point.  It is often not whether a child has ever done this that is the issue, it’s the intent. If the child at the park is hungry all the time because his parents are not providing him with enough food, while he shouldn’t steal, the fact that he is stealing because he is hungry provides a different context for understanding his behavior than if he steals for the thrill of it.

When do children learn the difference between the truth and a lie?

An important study on truth telling found that children’s understanding of morale reasoning matched their actions (Fen Xu, Xuehua Bao, Genyue Fu, Victoria Talwar, & Kang Lee, 2011). This article also summarized how adults “teach” children to lie in certain circumstances. To read the article go to:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2864928/

What social advocacy steps could you take to help others understand children’s ability to understand right and wrong?

Do you think you could explain to the school board why they should take an educational approach, rather than a punitive one to a child lying?

 

By     A. Hosack, P. Berman & K. Hecht

I don’t know what to make of Craig. He got angry so quickly, that scares me.

Claire was walking slowly back to the house. She was filled with a mixture of happy and distress. If she focused her mind on Craig as he came to sit next to her, showing an interest in being with her, then she felt happy. When she thought about the look in his eyes when she’d asked him about his bank, she felt scared. Once Claire walked into the house, she was met with the news the Davy had exhausted himself and was actually taking a nap!

This is a sign. I have to speak up.

“Mrs. Carson, do you have a moment to talk with me about Craig. (1-minute pause) He was that man I met on the bus.” “Yes, I remember that you’d met someone. Have you been able to learn any more about him?” Mrs. Carson asked. “I guess I have learned more about him. What makes me smile is that he came to sit next to me today and he told me a funny story about his dog named buddy,” Claire said seriously.

“You don’t look like the story was funny, “Mrs. Carson said. “Well that’s the part of the story that makes me uncomfortable. (Claire looks off into the distance, Mrs. Carson sighs and prepares herself to stay calm). After a few moments, Claire looked at Mrs. Carson and said, “most of my conversation with Craig was very pleasant. But there was one moment when I ask him what bank he worked at and he got very angry. I can’t forget that look in his eyes. (1-minute pause) Mr. Carson never looks that angry, even when he is about to punish Davy for doing something seriously wrong.”

“What does it mean to you Claire,” Mrs. Carson said softly. Claire’s hands were trembling, but her voice was clear as she said, “I don’t want to date anyone who gets as angry as Larry did.” “But on the other hand, I barely know Craig, and he had a good explanation for why he got so angry.  That’s why I don’t know what to think,” Claire said softly. “Did he hit you Claire or look like he was about to hit you?” Mrs. Carson asked, her worried look leaking out her feelings. “No, he didn’t do anything even close to hitting me which is what makes me feel bad that I’m prejudging him,” Claire said softly, “he apologized to me which is something Larry never did, and I thought that was a good sign.” Mrs. Carson was terribly relieved.

“I do think it’s a good sign that he apologized after being unjust to you. But I also think you shouldn’t ignore it if you’re gut tells you that he might have problems controlling his anger,” Mrs. Carson said. “I keep going back and forth in my head trying to analyze every little moment I had with him but, it’s just too hard. I was really only with them for about 10 minutes,” Claire said.

“You don’t really have to make a decision right away Claire. It’s easier to understand someone’s character if you take things step-by-step and don’t rush into any serious decisions. Have you thought at all about what kind of man you’d want to spend time with you, and you wouldn’t be scared to introduce to Davy?” Mrs. Carson said.

She always knows the right thing to say. I hope someday I can help Davy like she helps me.

“I would like somebody who’s good with children, like Mr. Carson is. I want Davy to meet a lot of good men who can control their tempers and make good decisions. I want him to turn out like Mr. Carson. Someone who is respected by everybody they know,” Claire said softly. “Well, you wouldn’t want to introduce Craig to Davy until you have more evidence that he’s a good man. But, if he should ask you out on a date, you could always express a preference for walking with his dog in the park. Then you could see the relationship he has with the dog. Is the dog affectionate, does he take good care of it? That would give you more information about his character than his just liking his dog,” Mrs. Carson suggested.

“We might pass children in the park and then I could see how he reacted to them to!” Claire said. “That would be just right wouldn’t it,” Mrs. Carson said, “you can often learn a lot about people by watching how they treat others around them.  Even if there don’t happen to be children around, how does he react to an old person like me who might stumble near him? Does he show any other sign of caring about the welfare of others,” said Mrs. Carson.

Does this sound like good advice to you?

Have you wondered how to tell what you might need, despite mutual attraction, to have a good relationship?

Dr. Suzanne Degges-White has written an article called 13 First Date Red Flags. She suggested that both Claire and Craig should be listening to their “guts” when they were together to see if they shared a mutual attraction. If interested in learning her signs that you should move away or move toward a potential date go to:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201603/13-first-date-red-flags

By     K. Hecht, A. Hosack, & P. Berman

 

I wonder if my plan worked? I’ll find out today.

Since the first day he saw Claire on the bus, Craig had begun planning out each step of his campaign to win her as a romantic partner. His first step had been to watch her on the bus before approaching her.  His second step had been to find out where she worked and intentionally “not meet” her on the bus. Today would be the day when he’d find out if his plan for increasing her interest in him had worked; would she show signs of having missed him yesterday? In this next part of his plan, he’d walked to one bus stop passed hers. He would get on the bus, knowing she was already on it, and see what happened when they met again.

Claire was lost in chaotic, and unpleasant thoughts. She had had a particularly difficult day and she would have missed getting on the bus, if one of the other women who were “regulars” at the stop hadn’t nudged her when the bus stopped. “Thank you,” Claire said, as the woman nodded to her and climbed the steps into the bus. This act of kindness re-awoke Claire’s optimism. She would not give up hope of meeting Craig again. She found an empty seat, put her purse out, and then began staring out the window.

This was a bold move for Claire. Larry had found her. In a very different way, Craig had found her to. Claire didn’t know “how to flirt” to show a man that she found them attractive. But she did recognize the ones she wished were interested in her. She saw many men throughout her day.  They were of all sizes and weights – some skinny, some plump. They had white hair, black hair, brown and blonde. She had compared each one to Craig and found them wanting.

She knew that Mr. Carson wasn’t the most handsome man she’d ever seen. This made her know, on some level, that she shouldn’t be judging men based on their physical appearance. But somehow, Craig’s face always came back to her – the handsomest man she had seen in a long time. Claire wasn’t sure what the right thing would be to say to Craig, if she saw him again. But, she did know she was very attracted to him.

Craig intentionally made a lot of noise as he got on the bus. He made a joke to the bus driver and looked around and saw Claire look up. She smiled at him. Had his plan had worked? He walked towards her but then hesitated as if he would take a seat in an earlier row than hers. As he hesitated, he looked towards her again and she looked anxious. Good. His plan had worked. He came over and sat next to her and she smiled.

“I wondered if we would run into each other again,” Craig said. Claire had been practicing an opening so she wouldn’t get tongue tied. “I remembered you told me you were a banker. Which one do you work at?” Claire asked.  Craig took a moment to think, he forgot he told her he worked at a bank. If he told her the branch he was at, she might be able to find out where his real bus stop was. Claire noticed the hesitation and it made her uneasy. Mrs. Carson had told her to look for any signs that he might be lying, and this hesitation might be one of those.

“I don’t get it why your first question to me would be about my job? Are you only interested in men who make a lot of money?” Craig asked looking stern. Claire had thought asking about Craig’s job would be a good question, but it was a mistake. He had misunderstood her reason for asking about his work. That’s why he hesitated. Claire sighed and sank into the chair. She looked sad. This was a good sign. His ploy of ignoring her yesterday had worked. But now she was looking out the window- he had overdone it. “I’m sorry Claire, I don’t know why I got so mad about a simple question. (1-minute silence) It’s just that a lot of women I’ve dated seemed to care more about how much I earned than the type of person I was.”

He’s concerned about how I’m judging him. He thinks character is more important than money.

She turned back to him and smiled. “I’m sorry too Craig. I’m not good at starting conversations and I thought this was an easy way to get to know you better.” Craig smiled inside but he kept his face neutral, “I get that. You want to know more about me. (1-minute silence where he smiled at her) Well, I guess I can help you with that. I am a guy who really loves dog. (Claire smiled) I have this large dog I named Bull because he is so stubborn.”

Craig opened up his phone and showed Claire a picture of Bull. “He isn’t what I expected,” Claire said, “He looks so friendly!” “Oh, he is friendly,” Craig said with a sigh. But I live in an apartment and he is very stubborn about going out to take a walk and …you know. There are times I have almost begged him in the rain to hurry up so we can both come into the building and dry off.

Claire laughed and continued to look at Bull. Craig seemed very open in sharing about his life. He had a dog. A dog that looked well cared for. This must be a sign he is a good person. “Oh, this is your bus stop isn’t it,” Craig said and then sighed. Claire looked up and realized he was right. He was helping her too. Another good sign.

Claire got off the bus and as she stepped off, he called out, “see you tomorrow!”

Claire smiled and waved as she watched the bus move on. She felt so relieved because Craig loved dogs – they had something important in common.

Does she really know anything about Craig’s character from his pet choice?

The American Veterinary Medical Association estimated that 38.4% of all pet owners picked a pet dog, while only .7% chose horses. Does this difference have anything to do with differences in character of the pet owner or do you think it might be more a  difference in the cost of owning a dog or horse? What about the difference between the amount of ground you need to provide a dog or horse for its daily needs?

https://www.avma.org/KB/Resources/Statistics/Pages/Market-research-statistics-US-pet-ownership.aspx

Wouldn’t how well Craig cared for his dog be a better indicator of his character?

 

 

 

By     P. Berman K. Hecht & A. Hosack

I need to make her anxious. I need her to wonder if I’m still interested in her.

Craig had been thinking about his conversation with Claire as he continued his bus journey home. He was very attracted to her, but she hadn’t shown enough interest in him. He needed to observe for more and decide what his next step would be. He needed to develop his plan carefully. At this point, the only thing Craig knew about Claire, was that she got on to the bus two stops after his.

It was time to find out more. The bus followed a long straight line down the road. He left work early the next day and walked down to the bus stop he guessed was hers. He saw there was a coffee shop close by and he went in and sat by the window where he could see out to the bus stop. He ordered coffee and waited.

It was tiring work, to just stare out at the same spot but he was finally rewarded. Claire was exiting the very building where he was sitting in. She went straight to the bus stop and sat down. He noticed that she didn’t say a word to the woman who was already sitting on the bench waiting for the bus. He watched and waited. At the bus stop, four people were now waiting as the bus pulled up. Claire hadn’t said a word to anyone.

She isn’t a talker. She wasn’t just avoiding talking to me.

Craig allowed the bus to take off without him; he was feeling good. He would let her wonder if she would ever see him again. He ordered his dinner at the coffee shop and ate slowly with a smile. He was thinking about Claire and how beautiful her hair was and how much he would enjoy touching it. Maybe as soon as next week?

Claire was hoping to see Craig, but she hadn’t expected to find him at her bus stop. She recognized all the other people who regularly waited for the bus at the same stop she used. When she got on the bus, she looked for a seat where she would be alone. She intentionally put her purse down next to her to discourage other people from sitting down next to her. Claire assumed Craig’s bus stop was one or two after hers. She had no idea he had been watching her prior to his coming to sit down next to her.

The motion of the bus put her into a familiar fog. It had been a long day with many patients who were afraid of having their teeth worked on. Claire had been proud of herself that she had remained patient throughout the day. In the back of her mind, there was a smile because she hoped she would be seeing Craig again. Each time the bus stopped, she looked up at the open door, but Craig never came on.

The seasons were changing. It was very dark outside the lights of the bus. Claire was very disappointed not to see Craig on the bus.  Would she have been pleased if she had known he had been looking for where she worked? If Craig could see her now, would he feel Claire was interested enough for him to make another move towards a date?

I guess it was an accident. He doesn’t follow the same schedule as me.

It made Claire sad to think she would never see Craig again. But then again, she didn’t know yet if he was a safe person to date so maybe it was just as well.

Both Claire and Craig want to meet again.

Is there anything Claire should be doing differently?

Is anything about Craig’s behavior bothering you?

According to a “flirtologist” presenting on TedTalk, some tactics work better than others at find a date you are truly compatible with. To hear her advice go to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cQoGNEcc5Q

Do you think her advice works as well with a “safe” versus an “unsafe date?”

By     A. Hosack, P. Berman K. Hecht

 

I am proud of him. He’s growing up to be a kind person.

Claire woke up the next day with a smile on her face. She had dreamed about Davy and his conversation with Mr. Carson about cats. She was so happy to think that he was growing up and learning from his experience. While changing his mind about cats wasn’t the biggest decision in the world, it did reflect that he was learning to stop and think. This reminded her for some reason about Craig.

I want my son to grow up to be a man like Mr. Carson. Someone who is kind and thoughtful. Someone who can be angry without being violent. When I think about Craig, how will he be able to tell if he is more like Mr. Carson or more like Larry? He did look a little angry or impatient when he first started talking to her and she didn’t answer. Was this because she’d been rude? Was it her fault if he was angry or impatient?

I need to discuss this with Mrs. Carson. How do I judge if Craig is a good or bad person?

Claire rushed down the stairs to find Davy and Mr. Carson eating breakfast and Mrs. Carson about to put out a plate for her. “Can I talk to for a minute in the living room,” Claire said. “Mommy, why can’t you just talk right here?” Davy curiously. “Davy this is grown-up business and your business right now is to eat breakfast and get ready for school.” “This cereal is really good mommy, make sure you have some,” said Davy going back to eating; his bowl was full of berries- his favorite kind of fruit.

Mrs. Carson was very curious about what Claire wanted to say. She sat down on the living room couch and looked at Claire who didn’t quite know how to start the conversation.” Finally, she just blurted out, “I met this young man named Craig on the bus last night, “Claire said, “I don’t know how to tell if I should encourage him to talk to me today or if I should try to avoid him.”

“How did you meet him, “Mrs. Carson said. “He sat next to me on the bus and just began talking, “Claire said, “I was surprised at first and didn’t know what to do in this did seem to irritate them a little bit.” “When you say he was irritated, what exactly did he do,” Mrs. Carson asked. “It was just his tone of voice change just a little bit, and there was a flash of something in his eyes,” Claire said which made me nervous that he might be like Larry. Larry used to get these flashes of anger in his eyes.”

Oh no, please let my Claire not get involved with another violent man.

(One-minute silence) “I’m glad you’re thinking this through to see if Craig is a safe person or not,” Mrs. Carson said calmly, “what happened next?” “The flesh left his eyes and he reached out his hand and said that he guessed he should’ve introduced himself and that’s when he told me his name was Craig. I told him my name was Claire and then he smiled at me,” Claire said softly with a smile.

“I can tell by the look on your face Claire, that you’re feeling happy at this moment.” “Well, Craig didn’t grab my arm or touch me in any way. He seemed to think for a minute and then he introduced himself. Larry would never have done that. It made me feel relieved that may be he wasn’t like Larry. He wasn’t somebody who thought it was all right to hurt me. “

“I do think this is a good sign, that he didn’t touch you Claire. But I think it’s a good idea to start out cautiously. If you’d met them at work, and you known him for a while, you would’ve had a chance to observe him many times when he might be frustrated or angry. This would give you more information about whether he was a safe person or not.” “That makes sense Mrs. Carson, but I met him on the boss and the only thing I know is that he said he worked at a bank.”

“It’s smart of you to thought of that,” Mrs. Carson said. “If you see him again on the bus, maybe you should ask him more questions to learn more about him. You need to learn things that you could check out to make sure they’re true. One of the ways to know that he might be a good person to have a relationship with, is if he’s honest.”

“Thank you Mrs. Carson, you have given me some good ideas (Claire sighed).  I think I know what to do today if I meet him on the bus.”

Claire needed help and Mrs. Carson gave her ideas to try out.

Have you ever gone to an older adult for advice?

There is evidence that just spending time with older adults can help you. To learn about this go to:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evidence-based-living/201812/the-evidence-elder-wisdom

 

By    K. Hecht, A. Hosack, P. Berman

It’s kind of exciting. I’ve been lonely. But what if he is like Larry?

Claire was walking home with a quickstep. Suddenly she didn’t feel the least bit tired. She was smiling and laughing to herself. It had been so nice that such an attractive young man had shown an interest in her. But she didn’t want to make mistakes. How could she tell if Craig he was like Larry or a nice man more like Mr. Carson?

Just as she was reaching the house, Davy burst out the door and envelope to her in a hug. “Mommy you won’t believe this but I’m going to kindergarten next year!” Claire hugged him to her and kiss the top of his head. “I am so proud of you Davy. You have worked very hard at Head Start and your teacher has noticed that you’re ready for kindergarten,” Claire said with a smile. She’d already known that Davy was headed for kindergarten.

All children eligible for kindergarten go for a visit where their “readiness” skills are evaluated.  Claire had watched as Davy completed every assignment the kindergarten teacher gave him without mistake. He knew the entire alphabet. He knew how to count to 100. He was learning to read some small words. The teacher’s evaluation report had been sent to Head Start and to Claire. She had kept the news to herself wanting Davy to hear about it “first” and tell her.

As Claire and Davy walked into the house, Mrs. Carson said with a smile that they were all going out to dinner to celebrate Davy’s achievement. “Davy, I was so tired at work today but now because you’ve worked so hard, I get to go out to eat dinner and I won’t have to do any washing up afterwards,” Claire said with a huge smile.

Mr. Carson was putting on his coat and clearly in a teasing mood, “I think we should go have dinner at that new diner. I hear they make a great fried cat!” ““No Mr. Carson no. You can’t mean it,” Davy said. One of my friends at Head Start brought his cat in for a visit yesterday and his coat was so soft!”

“Well, I can’t believe this,” Mr. Carson said in an outraged voice.  “Aren’t you the Davy who took Buddy for a walk last Saturday and said that a terrible mean cat had scratched buddy on the face?” Mr. Carson said in a serious voice. “Didn’t you say you are going to have to protect buddy from now on from all the mean cats in the neighborhood?”

Davy was staring down at his feet and looking sad. “Yes, I did Mr. Carson because that cat really did hurt buddy. But do you think it’s terrible that I’ve kind of change my mind about cats? My friend Max’s kitten wouldn’t hurt buddy- I am sure of it (Davy sighed deeply), its coat was so soft Mr. Carson. If only you had held that little kitty like I did you would realize that maybe the cat in the neighborhood is mean for good reasons. Maybe not all cats are mean.”

“Well, if you say so Davy,” Mr. Carson said straight faced. Mrs. Carson was laughing but trying to stop. “Now you just stop teasing Davy,” Mrs. Carson said, “Don’t worry Davey, we are going to the new diner but they don’t serve fried cats. Mr. Carson was telling you a fairy story. But you are going to Kindergarten and are ready for real stories!”

“Mr. Carson I am too old for fairy stories! I am big now I am going to Kindergarten,” Davy shrieked as he rushed out the front door, “I am so hungry my tummy can’t stand still.” Going out to eat was actually pretty hard on Claire that night. Davy was so excited that he kept knocking things over on the table and sometimes off the table. Claire bent down so many times to pick things up off the ground that she developed quite an ache in her back. But she kept her temper. Her Davy apologized each time, but he was just too excited to be well behaved.

When she finally had them tucked into bed and going to sleep, she was so tired she forgot all about wanting to talk to Mrs. Carson about the young man she met on the bus. But as she was slowly falling deeply asleep, she remembered his face smiling at her through the bus window. She hoped she would see him again tomorrow.

Was Craig just attracted to Claire and beginning a flirtation? Was he planning to sexually harass her? Was his observation of her at the back of he bus suggesting he might be a sexual predator? Sexual harassment can really harm victims yet it is a frequent occurrence and we don’t know enough about its causes and how to prevent it. There is a bill currently be considered in the house that would provide funding for more research on sexual harassment. The bill is:

H.R.36 – Combating Sexual Harassment in Science Act of 2019

You can read about this bill at the following link. You can also use the link to request that your house representatives support this bill. It would only take five minutes of your time but could really help us understand and stop sexual harassment.

https://www.govtrack.us/congress/bills/116/s1067

By   P. Berman, & K. Hecht, A. Hosack

I am so tired. But it was a good day.

Claire is on the bus traveling home. She’s gotten so used to the routine, that she’s not really observing much of what’s going on around her. She’s completely oblivious to the fact that she’s been under observation since getting on the bus. There is a young man dressed in a suit and tie who’s been watching her for the last 10 minutes.

She is beautiful. And she’s always alone.

Craig had been watching Claire for the last week. She always seem to follow the same routine. She got on this bus at 5 o’clock Monday through Friday. She always preferred the window seat. She never talked to anyone while she was waiting for the bus to arrive. And she never talked to anybody on the bus. The older woman who’d been sitting next Claire got up and left at the next bus stop. Claire showed no signs of noticing.

Will she realize I’ve already been on the bus? How deeply is she really into her own head?

Craig straightened his clothes and stood up. He walked quietly up the aisle of the bus towards Claire.

He had been sitting at the very back of the bus so he could get a good view of her, but she wouldn’t see him. He is right next to her now. He intentionally made a big production out of sitting down and leaned against the back of the bus seat with a thump. “Woe, has this been a hard day. I am exhausted,” he said, as if talking to the bus in general.

Claire was startled. She turned towards him and saw him leaning back against the bus seat. He turned his head briefly towards her and said, “hello I hope you don’t mind if I sit here. It was the first empty seat and I am so tired.” “I’m tired too,” Claire said softly. “If you tell me about your day, I’ll tell you about mine,” Greg said.

He’s cute. I’m not sure I should be talking to a stranger on the boss?

Claire wasn’t sure what to do. Craig noticed her hesitation and immediately said, “Okay I’ll go first. I work in a bank. When I was at teller, I used to think that when I got promoted to manager it would be the greatest day of my life. Little did I realize that my regular hours were over. Now, this is a lucky day, I actually got out at 5 o’clock,” Craig said sighing and looking directly at her.

It’s my turn. He is expecting me to say something.

(1-minute pause) Craig was a little annoyed that she was still not talking to him. But he said, “I guess I should’ve introduced myself. I’m Craig, and you are,” he said holding his hand out towards her. “I’m Claire,” she said blushing and shaking his hand. She took a quick look out the window and realized her stop is coming up. “It was nice to meet you, I’ve got to go,” Claire said. Claire rushed off the bus. She stood at the bus stop and watched it as it drove away. Inside the bus, Craig saw her and waved. Claire waved back and he smiled.

Is it safe to talk with strangers on the bus?

How might you know if someone was safe or not?

To read about strategies for deciding if a stranger is safe or not, go to:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201703/4-signs-stranger-poses-danger

By   A. Hosack,  P. Berman, K. Hecht

You can do this. Know on the door! You been friends for years! Lisa will let you in!!

Mrs. Carson was outside of Lisa’s house. She’d walked down the street with a firm step. But as she got closer she began to remember the look on Lisa’s face when she’d met her at the party and her steps began to slow down. Here she was now standing so close but so far from the front door.

Mrs. Carson was feeling frozen between wanting to go up the walkway and….run away. No, she would not run from one of her oldest friends! She pushed herself to walk to the door, and after a brief pause from a brief anxiety attack, she knocked firmly on the door.

The door opened after a few minutes and there was Lisa looking stonily out at her. “Can I come in?” Mrs. Carson asked in a soft tone. “Why are you here,” Lisa responded angrily. “Lisa please let me in. Our conversation yesterday left me feeling very uncomfortable,” Mrs. Carson continued in a soft tone. “I’m not going to take back a single word. I meant everything that I said,” Lisa almost looked gleeful.

That look on her face. She seems to want me to feel hurt! I can do this, stay calm.

“Lisa,” Mrs. Carson said, “we’ve been friends for years. Aren’t you going to invite me in so we can sit in your living room and talk like we’ve done so many times before?” Lisa was surprised. She had expected to be slamming her front door and Mrs. Carson’s face. But looking at that very familiar face standing out on her porch she just automatically took few steps backward and opened her door wider. Mrs. Carson came in went over to the closet and hung her coat up. Lisa watched her thinking about how odd it was that she just intentionally been extremely rude and yet Mrs. Carson was quietly hanging her coat up.

What should I say firs?. Should I justify what I said yesterday.

Mrs. Carson was sitting in a chair in the very familiar living room. Lisa had sat down on the coach opposite her. She didn’t know what to say. She looked around wildly searching for an idea. She noticed that the picture of Lisa’s son and daughter-in-law had been taken down. There was just a blank spot on the wall where it had been. Something was wrong. “Lisa, I’ve always loved your living room. You’ve always had such a great artistic sense that I’ve often envied. I tried to make things match as beautifully as you do at my house, but it never quite works out,” Mrs. Carson said looking around.

“You didn’t come here to talk about my artistic sense,” Lisa said sarcastically.” (1-minute pause while Mrs. Carson takes a deep breath) No, I didn’t. But you have hurt my feelings by the way you’re talking to me and I was trying to remind myself of all the reasons I have valued you as a friend.”

Suddenly, Lisa felt very ashamed for the way she’d been talking to Mrs. Carson. She should apologize but there was so much anger in her heart she just couldn’t get the words out. The situation wasn’t easy for Mrs. Carson either, but she had kept her temper reined in despite Lisa’s constant provocation.

Having to learn how to deal with Claire’s meltdowns and Davy’s naughtiness had made her a more patient woman than she was when she raised her own children. “Lisa, I don’t know want to talk about first. What you said to me yesterday, or why that beautiful picture of Brian and his wife is no longer on your wall,” Mrs. Carson said softly. Lisa turned to look back at her wall of family pictures. After a moment of stony silence, she looked down at her lap and seemed to sag into the chair.

“We didn’t know about it until recently,” Lisa said bitterly “or we would’ve done something to help. That wife of his had been having an affair for years. When he found out two weeks ago, she wouldn’t even tell him if their four-year-old son was his or not. She packed up her clothes and their son and walked out the door. Our Brian tried to kill himself with his hand gun. A neighbor heard the shot and called the police. Brian has been in intensive care since then.”

What can I say? What could help? Nothing. There is nothing to say.

No words could express what Mrs. Carson was feeling. She came over to Lisa and sat right next to her on the couch and patted her hand, “I am so sorry Lisa. Your Brian is a wonderful man. I know that. I watched him grow up!” Mrs. Carson said earnestly.  Lisa turned her face away and began to cry. “Lisa, you don’t have to turn away from me. I feel like I have a crack in my heart to hear about your family’s suffering.” Lisa turned back to Mrs. Carson and saw her genuine look of pain.

“What am I going to do? They say he will live despite…he put the gun in his mouth and shot himself! How can I help my Brian?”(2-minute silence where Mrs. Carson just hold’s Lisa’s hand. “I don’t know Lisa, but as soon as he leaves intensive care, why don’t we just visit him and treat him with love. That might be a start,” Mrs. Carson suggested.

“I would like that. (1-minute pause) My husband tells me he won’t go. Brian just needs to be a man. What does that even mean,” Lisa  sobbed. “Lisa, you know he’s always had a hard time dealing with strong feelings. I’m sure he’s just as scared about losing Brian as you are. We will go first. When we get back maybe, you just tell him a little bit about what happened. He’ll come around, you know he always does.”

Mrs. Carson wanted to change Lisa’s opinion of foster children. That is why she had come to Lisa’s house. It isn’t easy to change someone’s opinion. Mrs. Carson had taken two steps, recommended by Megan Phelps-Roper. She had assumed there was some understandable reason for what Lisa had said to her. She had stayed calm through Lisa’s anger and had discovered that all the unpleasantness had occurred within a context of tragedy. This context screamed out to be talked through first.

To read steps to read all the steps to talking to someone about something you disagree with go to:

https://ideas.ted.com/4-tips-for-talking-to-people-you-disagree-with/

To listen to Ms. Phelps-Roper talk about how she stepped away from a childhood built on hate speech, to an adult commitment to work against it go to:

https://www.ted.com/talks/megan_phelps_roper_i_grew_up_in_the_westboro_baptist_church_here_s_why_i_left

By   K. Hecht, A. Hosack & P. Berman

“It’s so cold out here Mr. Carson we have to walk a little faster or I will be too cold!” Davy said picking up his pace and dragging dog alone with him on a lease. Up a head, he suddenly saw Mr. Dugan coming towards them from the opposite direction. He began to jump up and down, “Mr. Carson, there is Mr. Dugan. He must have taken a walk! Let’s meet him half way. Hurry, hurry!” Davy’s excitement was transmitted to the dog as they began running towards Mr. Dugan; Mr. Carson was lagging further and further behind.

“Hello, hello, hello Mr. Dugan we were just coming to look for you,” Davy said jumping up and down while the dog was running circles around him – the dog leash was becoming tangled up in Davy’s legs.

“Careful Davy,” Mr. Dugan said sternly, “that dog is going to cause you to fall down and get hurt.” “No, no, no it’s a really good dog Mr. Dugan. He is my friend. I fall down all the time and I just get a few bumps and bruises.” Mr. Carson was finally coming up from behind. “Hello, Mr. Dugan. I see you already met our new dog.”

“Didn’t I see your girl put on notice of dog for sale in the newspaper? What’s wrong with the dog that you want to get rid of it?” Mr. Dugan asked. Now the Davy had calmed down, so had the dog. It was looking carefully at Mr. Dugan and now was walking slowly closer to him. Mr. Dugan was very familiar with how to handle dogs. He bent down a little bit closer to the dog and put out his hand. Dog came over and was sniffing away first at Mr. Dugan’s hand and then his right pocket.

“That’s a smart dog, he can tell I have a sandwich in my pocket.” Turning to the dog he said sternly but quietly, “that sandwich is for me, now you go over here where I can see you and stay away from it,” Mr. Dugan said pointing to a spot a little further away from his pocket. The dog seemed to understand and did what he was told.

“There is nothing wrong with the dog. Claire found him walking home from the bus and he was quite neglected, skinny and thirsty. We’ve been taking care of him until he was healthy enough for us to find him a good home.”

“I really want to keep dog”, Davy said looking sad but then, looked at Mr. Dugan and said, “everyone says they can’t take care of me and the dog and so the dog has to go. But we are only giving him to a good home where I know the person understands dogs (1-minute pause).”

“Why are you calling him dog. Doesn’t he deserve a name?” Mr. Dugan asked. “My mom thinks if I name him, I will have even more trouble seeing him go away. (1-minute pause where Davy knees down and hugs the dog to him) I’m going to be sad even though I still call him dog. But I understand, that I can’t keep.”

The dog was licking Davy on the face which was very ticklish. Davy began to laugh. “I see that dog really knows how to cheer you up,” Mr. Dugan said. “Yes, dog loves me,” Davy said scratching dog’s head. “He is a good dog Mr. Dugan,” Mr. Carson said, “we just budgeted it out with the shots and the vet’ s visits and the money just isn’t there for a dog.” “I hate budgets,” Davy said looking up at Mr. Dugan, “but mommy took me to the store to buy food for this week and added it all up on a calculator to show me how there was no money left over for dog food. But we bought the dog food by putting back all the ice cream, and all the meat.”

“I can live without that ice cream- though it makes my tummy sad. Our family needs the meat, (Davy sighs) but I would give it up for dog. But I understand we can’t give up meat. I needed meat to get bigger and Mr. Carson needs it for his blood, (Davy was looking strangely at Mr. Carson) but I can’t quite understand why.”

Mr. Dugan was looking Davy and the dog over. “You’re got a smart boy there Carson, to understand budgets at his age. I’ve had dogs before and you’re right it takes a good bit of money and sometimes it can mean a sacrifice to keep them,” Mr. Carson turned to the dog who was sitting patiently, wagging his tail at Mr. Dugan and said, “I’m pretty amazed how this dog is listening to you Mr. Dugan.” “I have had a lot of experience with dogs. Come on over here dog,” he said. The dog came over and began licking Mr. Dugan’s hand again. “Do you want to come and live with me dog? Of course, I could only have you if Davy here would walk you once a day because I do have bad arthritis,” Mr. Dugan said looking over at Davy. “Can I please Mr. Carson. If I could walk dog once a day it would be like he was still my friend even though he didn’t live at our house.”

“You’ll have to be a good responsible neighbor Davy. If you promise to take him for walks, you need to go over and do it even if it’s raining even if it’s cold,” Mr. Carson said seriously. “I’ll do my best, but if I forget will you remind me Mr. Carson?” “That sounds like a good plan Davy.”

“I think I’ll call you buddy,” Mr. Dugan said to the dog. “It’s a good name for you because you are Davy’s buddy and you’re going to be mine.”

Dog has a home and a name now. Mr. Dugan is lonely, and the dog is going to give him something important to do- caring for a living being that will give him affection and companionship in return.

It isn’t easy to take good care of a dog. Pets may find it isn’t that easy caring for their owner.

Service dogs can play a role in saving the lives of people with diabetes, seizures, and other serious health problems. They have to receive extensive training to meet the needs of their specific owner. To read about them go to:

https://share.america.gov/service-dogs-save-lives/