By K. Hecht, A. Hosack, & P. Berman

Claire is doing well at school with the help of Mr. And Mrs. Carson’s babysitting. She has really been getting along well with Davy’s Head Start teacher. The teacher doesn’t judge Claire for being in foster care, though Claire is sure this is what makes the neighbors laugh when she walks out in the neighborhood with Davy. This teacher is different. She never laughs at her and answers all her questions; Claire feels she is finally understanding four-year-old Davy.

Larry’s thoughts about Claire and Davy aren’t taking this happy turn. Larry is furious with Claire, and his life began going down the moment he tried to forgive her and took her out to dinner. She should have been more grateful. She had even sent her stupid foster parent after him.

I can’t believe this! How could she do this to me!

Larry drove away as fast as his car could accelerate to get away from Mr. Carson. When he dropped her off, Claire’s face had just begun to swell. Claire had deserved what she got, but he couldn’t count on someone who would be a foster parent to recognize that. His anger was still boiling hot as he opened his front door. He needed to chill out so he would be ready for work. He knocked off a few beers and watched TV; the game he was watching had put Claire’s ugly behavior out of his mind.

When the police knocked at his door, he peeked out the window and saw the car. He panicked and hid in the dark on the floor until they left. This choice turned out to be a mistake because they went right to the bar where he worked. His boss was furious when the police showed up, as they emptied out the bar just by walking in. When Larry showed up later for his shift, his boss demanded an explanation.  Larry lied and said the police were probably going to arrest him for not paying his parking tickets. His boss said to get to the police station and pay up; police were bad for business.

Claire cried all night after signing the complaint the police brought her. Mrs. Carson noticed her swollen face in the morning and made her a special breakfast. Even the blueberry pancakes only brought a small smile to Claire’s face. Yes, Larry had punched her, but still she loves him; he is Davy’s father. Claire went through tremendous emotional upheaval deciding what to do.

It isn’t easy to press charges against someone you have deep feelings for, even when they have really hurt you. Claire is fortunate that she had the support of the Carsons as she talked to the police about what happened. She slowly came to the decision; she had to sign the complaint.

Larry didn’t go home thinking he had assaulted Claire. He felt he had acted like any man would when his woman was mistreating him. Larry was furious with Claire for taking Davy’s side against him. Many women had let Larry know they found him attractive. But he had waited for Claire to learn her lesson, had saved money to take her out to demonstrate he forgave her, and what had she done?  She had talked about her brat instead of just listening to what he had to say. She had even sent her stupid foster parent after him.

If people throughout our communities learned to recognize the warning signs of dating violence and intimate partner abuse, they could be like the Carsons and help victims take the steps they needed to protect themselves.  Consider taking time to educate yourself on some of the common signs of dating violence/intimate partner abuse. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

 

 

 

By P. Berman, K. Hecht, & A. Hosack 

Did anyone see anything? 

The police go systematically through the restaurant, talking to people who are still eating and talking to the staff. Several people come forward. The waitress was about to go over to their table and witnessed Larry reach towards Claire and punch her in the face. The couple sitting at the next table hadn’t seen the punch but were shocked as they watched Larry drag Claire out of the restaurant. The woman sitting directly behind Larry heard him using crass language towards Claire. The police have what they need and leave to arrest Larry for assault. 

Davy is asleep when Claire gets home so she doesn’t have to explain what happened to her face right away. She is feeling so tired and worn-out. Mrs. Carson tucks her into bed with an ice bag on her face. Despite her pounding head, Claire smiles at Mrs. Carson; it is so wonderful to have people like the Carsons who care about her; her parents would have asked what she had done to deserve a black eye.  

Before she falls asleep, she decides to tell Davy she just fell and got some ouchees. When his crying wakes her up, her face is still throbbing, but her headache has gone away.  Davy wanted to touch her face. When she flinched as he touched the bruises, Davy looked worried and said, “me take care of you, mommy!”  Davy accepted her explanation for the ouchees without question and took her hand to help her to the kitchen so she, “won’t fall again.” Claire smiles down at Davy; Larry is wrong about him, this is the second time Davy has tried to look out for her, and he is just a little kid. Her Davy was turning out great – the Head Start teachers thought so too. 

Claire does worry that Davy doesn’t listen to her as well as the teachers. She decides that if Davy has the courage to stand up to Larry, she can face her fears and be her own advocate by asking the Head Start teacher for advice. The teacher says that kids often need different things at home than they need at school to behave well. After all, at school Davy sees all the other kids following her instructions while at home he is the only child.  

The teacher recommended that Claire not to worry check out the Head Start website for ideas about what might work for Davy at home. There are short articles designed for parents with kids Davy’s age. 

Do you know someone with a preschooler who might want some help with guiding the child’s behavior? 

Head Start offers help, free to all. There are two examples below: 

https://eclkc.ohs.acf.hhs.gov/browse/topic/parenting and some tips about healthy families at https://eclkc.ohs.acf.hhs.gov/physical-health/article/health-tips-families-series.  

Claire looked around at everything. What helped her the most was reading a resource that the Head Start Website sent her about dealing with the angry child; and angry Davy, who was looking more like Larry every day, made her get the most flustered.  

If this resource might be good for you, or someone you know, go to: https://eclkc.ohs.acf.hhs.gov/teaching-practices/teacher-time-series/help-me-calm-down-teaching-children-how-cope-their-big  

Davy was small and he didn’t bite – at least not yet. But small angry kids having a tantrum can fluster even experienced parents. 

 

By A. Hosack, P. Berman, & K. Hecht 

Maybe he’s never coming back? I’ve lost the only man who could ever love me!  

Claire is sad and lonely. She hasn’t heard from Larry in the last month; maybe he will never call her again! She keeps dreaming about the times she had sex with him and how warm and good his body smelled. What was she going to do without him? Thoughts of being alone for life kept mixing in her dreams with fears of flunking out of school when it started.  

 She was way too stupid to be someone who was so important. The patients would never trust someone like her. They would be able to tell she was trash who came from trash. 

When Claire drove by the school with Mrs. Carson the first time, she felt so excited and sure things would be okay. She had been in school for a month and working so hard. Tomorrow was the first test and, alone in her room, terrifying thoughts just kept flooding through her mind making it impossible to concentrate when she tried to study.  Claire told herself to be calm, she took four deep breathes but she was still so anxious her heart hurt. How could she reach out to Mrs. Carson for more help; she was already taking care of Davy for her so that Claire could focus on studying. Instead of sitting at her table with her books, Claire was lying on her bed, paralyzed by her own fears. Who was she trying to kid? A foster kid making so much money? The teachers must think she is an idiot. No one in the class is speaking to her. She will flunk the test and be kicked out of school. The Carsons will be so disappointed in her. Foster care will end because she isn’t in school. She and Davy will starve on the street. Larry won’t even know or care. Claire sobbed into her pillow. 

The doorbell rang. Claire ignored it. Mrs. Carson began calling out her name. Claire came out of her room and look toward the front door. There, on the other side of the door, was a smiling Larry.  She ran into his arms and the kissed she received melted her insides. When the kiss was over, Larry had carried her outside and twirled her around.  

“I have missed you so much Larry… I need you so much!” This was just what Larry wanted to hear. He twirled her around again and then invited her out to dinner. Davy wasn’t home yet but she was afraid to mention his name. She asked him to wait while she got her purse. She was lying to Larry and feeling guilty. She was really going in to find out if Mrs. Carson would take care of Davy while she went out to dinner.  

Mrs. Carson doesn’t have a good feeling about Larry. However, she saw how much happier Claire was after a month of looking so sad and lost. “Sure, sweet heart, I will look after Davy. Don’t be home too late, remember you have that test tomorrow at school.” The test…she had forgotten about it. She wanted to study more but maybe Larry wouldn’t come back if she put him off. She couldn’t risk that. 

Claire figured she better keep all thoughts of Davy and the test to herself and just focus on Larry. He took her to Red Robin and bought her the expensive bacon cheeseburger and a strawberry milkshake. She just couldn’t take her eyes off him. Suddenly, he looks down and his face gets red. “So, have you done anything about that brat yet?” Claire told Larry that Davy was going to school now at Head Start and his teachers thought he was smart. Claire was hoping Larry might be proud of Davy. 

Larry wasn’t proud of Davy. He was angry. Despite missing Claire, he had stayed away from her for a month to show her who was boss. Yet, just thirty minutes later she was bragging about how smart her brat was. His mother had never called him smart his entire life. In fact, she had joined his dad in calling him a pathetic son who would amount to nothing. . . and he had never talked to his dad like Davy talked back to him. 

Claire could have noticed how hard I’m working at the bar. She could have noticed how I had saved up, by going without beer, to buy a car. But no, it’s only what the brat does that gets her attention! 

Larry’s jealous thoughts feed his anger until he goes berserk. Right at the restaurant he leans towards Claire and hits her hard in the face. Then, he says it is time to leave. He pulls Claire to her feet, drops money on the table, and practically drags her back to the car. All the way back home he screams at her that she is totally disloyal to him and has deserved what she got. By the time she is walking up the steps, she feels frozen inside. She can’t find her key to the house and rings the doorbell. Larry is still screaming abuse at her out his car window as Mr. Carson opens the front door. He just stares at Claire’s face; marks are already beginning to emerge around her eye. Mr. Carson charges down towards Larry who takes one look at his face and drives off. Mr. Carson whips out his cell phone, takes a picture of Larry’s license plate, and calls the police to report Larry for assault. Claire has stumbled into the house and Mrs. Carson takes one look at Claire’s face and rushes off to get her some ice. 

Claire doesn’t know that Mr. Carson called the police until they arrive and want to talk to her. She had always been told growing up that family business stayed in the family. She knew Larry wouldn’t want her to talk to the police.

What was she to do? The Carsons wanted her to tell the police what happened? 

She is getting a bad headache, her face hurts. Mrs. Carson holds her hand and tells her to just tell the police what happened. Claire admits to the officers that Larry punched her at the restaurant. She says he has never done this before, and that she doesn’t want to press charges. Mr. Carson looks her in the eye and tells her she needs to do the right thing, which is protect herself and Davy by holding Larry accountable for what he did. She knows she must protect her Davy, so Mr. Carsons words changes her mind. She agrees to press charges. The police leave to go the restaurant to interview potential witnesses.   

What are the police going to do with Larry? How is she going to explain to Davy why her face is purple?  Davy is looking more and more like Larry. Does this mean anything? 

 

By K. Hecht, A. Hosack, & P. Berman 

The future seemed so wonderful to imagine. Even Larry had re-entered Claire’s life. Larry had a job at a local bar as a bouncer; he had been working for a year and had saved up and now had a car. When he first showed up at the Carsons, Claire was so surprised he had been able to find her! It made her feel so happy and loved that he would search for her. Claire assumed it was another sign her future was bright. Larry was earning enough money to take her out to eat and to the movies that she said she would be willing to just hang out without these special things if he could give her the money instead for caring for Davy. Larry had rejected this idea and reminded her that he had told her the truth from the beginning – he wasn’t ready to be a father. 

Claire was disappointed. By now, she had figured out that the Carsons’ budget was over stretched, and she wished Larry could help at least a little. She was giving them all the money she earned. and she could tell they really appreciated it. It was a surprise, but Claire found that helping to pay for the food in the house seemed to make it taste better. She was probably crazy to think this but when she impulsively told Mrs. Carson, she got a big smile on her face.  

Larry wanted to start having sex right away, but she made him wait until she bought some condoms. Claire had learned from parent magazines how much harder it would be to have two kids; she knew she was not ready for this and it wouldn’t be fair to the Carsons either. Larry didn’t like wearing a condom but said as long as she paid for them, he would. 

Mr. And Mrs. Carson are curious about Larry. When he came to the door, he was polite enough, but he didn’t say much. After the first time he came, he began just honking his car horn and Claire just runs out. Claire doesn’t seem to mind this but the Carsons think it is more respectful to come to the door and knock. When they ask Claire about him, she is evasive at first but later feels guilty about it. She finally tells them that Larry is Davy’s father.  

The Carsons get angry when they hear this because he hasn’t even come by once to meet Davy. Claire tries to explain that Larry had told her from the beginning that he was not being ready to be a father. Mr. Carson said something that has stuck with Claire; it isn’t whether Larry is ready or not, Larry is Davy’s father. 

The next time Larry honks, Mrs. Carson suggests to Claire that she take Davy with her. Maybe if he meets Davy, Larry will realize what he is missing by not being active in his life. It sounds like a good idea, but Larry knows nothing about three-year-old’s and gets angry when Claire must fuss to get Davy into the car. Then, when they get to his apartment, he is frustrated that Davy can’t entertain himself and keeps grabbing Claire every time Larry tries to kiss her.  Davy tells Larry, “she is my mommy not yours!” Larry has had enough by now. He sees red and glares down at Davy. 

I would never have talked like that to my father. That brat doesn’t respect me. He needs discipline NOW. 

Larry yanks Davy hard on the arm and begins spanking him hard while saying, “Don’t ever talk like that to me again.” Davy bursts into tears and screams for Claire but Larry shoves her away when she tries to pick Davy up.   

Claire is not teaching that kid how to treat me with respect. She is favoring that kid over me. That must change right NOW! 

Larry was raised in a home where his father was the absolute dictator of everything that happened. His mother would never have taken his side against his dad.  Claire tries to explain that she has learned from Head Start that all little kids talk like that, it isn’t intended to be disrespectful. 

Shut up Claire. Don’t you tell me what is and isn’t okay for that kid to do! 

As far as Larry was concerned, Claire’s words showed she was not being loyal to him. She should be shaking the kid and telling him to shut up.  His attention shifts from Davy to Claire. He shoves Davy away and Davy quickly hides behind the couch. As Larry approaches Claire he is screaming in her face, “If that little monster were living with me, I would lock him in a closet anytime he started to cry- that would get him to know who was in charge.” 

Claire is shaking with fear. She has never seen Larry like this before – but she has seen his dad behaving this way. Why was Larry acting just like a man he had always hated?  She just wanted to get Davy and get far away from him until he calmed down. She had tried to be an advocate for Davy and let Larry learn some of what she was learning from Head Start. But Larry had taken it all wrong.   

Claire looked down at the floor and doesn’t move a muscle. Larry is glaring at her but sees that she is now looking down at the floor. 

Better, but not enough. She must grovel after what she has done. 

Larry shoves Claire up against the wall and says in a low growl that she had better keep quiet when he is disciplining his kid, or she will be the one who gets smacked!  Davy had squirmed deep into the small space between the couch and the wall to try to escape from Larry, but when he heard these words, he runs out and gets between Larry and Claire crying, “Don’t you hurt my mommy!” 

Larry turns purple with rage, it has happened again. That brat has no respect for him. Claire looks back and forth between Larry and Davy. She isn’t sure what to do to protect Davy. She gets on her knees and whispers to Larry, “please let me take Davy home for a nap. He is too tired to be a good listener. Please let us go home.” Claire is clutching Davy to her and it is this that grabs Larry’s attention. 

She keeps choosing that piece of crap over me! That bitch is beyond belief. She wants to go home. Fine, I am done with her and her brat. I don’t want to ever see them again! 

“Sure Claire, I’ll take you and the brat home. But first, take this present from me.” Larry punches her hard in the stomach and then screams for her to take the brat and get in the car. Claire is doubled over with pain, but she knows she better listen and get out to the car. She clutches Davy to her and runs out the door and into Larry’s car. As soon as Larry is in, he takes off fast not waiting for Claire to buckle Davy into the seat. The look on Larry’s face makes Claire want to hurl. She closes her eyes and tries to calm herself down. Suddenly the car stops, and Claire falls forward and hits the front seat. Only her tight grip on Davy prevents him from flying into the front wind shield.  Larry screams for them to get out. The moment Claire and Davy are half way out of the car, Larry pulls away and disappears down the road with the side door of the car flapping back and forth.   

Davy is crying as Claire carries him inside. Mrs. Carson asks what’s wrong and Claire wants to tell her the truth. She keeps quiet. Larry would be so angry if she told the Carsons what happened. Claire doesn’t think Mr. Carson ever hits Mrs. Carson. They might get so mad at Larry that they don’t let him come by anymore- Larry is Davy’s dad and Claire still loves him. 

Claire tells them that Davy is just over tired. As Claire puts Davy in his bed, she kisses and says she loves him with her whole heart. She can’t believe that her little Davy tried to protect her from Larry; no one had ever tried to protect Claire before. She tells Davy that what happened with Larry will never happen again and he falls deeply sleep.  

Why would Claire still love Larry after what he did? 

Do you think Larry could ever be a good dad?   

By P. Berman, K. Hecht, & A. Hosack  

I can’t be late Davy, I need this job! Let me get your pants on.  

Claire has a part-time job at the community library shelving books. She worked enough hours to qualify for continued foster care. Claire hoped her worries would soon be over. She had been accepted into Dental Hygiene school and would start in the Fall. It would only take her one more year of school and she would earn around $40-50,000 dollars a year- if the school brochure was right. This was more money than her parents had made all together. Claire couldn’t believe that she could make so much money!  

I will never need SNAP benefits to feed us! Davy won’t get free lunches at school! No one will call him trash like they did me! 

It was such a lucky accident that Claire had even heard about this career.  Mrs. Carson had taken Davy and her to the park. Mrs. Carson was so friendly, she was always talking to people she met; Claire wished she could do this, but she could never get up the courage to say hello to stranger; would they would be able to tell she was a foster kid and think she was trash? 

Today, Mrs. Carson began talking to Shelly who had a little boy Davy’s age. It turned out that Shelly was a single mom and had a career as a dental hygienist. She loved it and was so kind and bubbly, she even offered to let Claire come one day and shadow her. Everything happened so fast, one day Ms. Alexandra was saying she could stay in foster care if she continued her education, and it seemed like the next day, she was following Shelly around and seeing how wonderful it would be to work in such a clean office, with such polite people, and make money! 

Shelly recommended her own school program to Claire and downloaded the forms from the internet Claire would need to apply. Claire had panicked at all the forms that needed to be completed. She was so scared she told Shelly she could never figure out how to complete them. Shelly saw she was white as a sheet and just began filling out the first one while asking Claire questions.  Shelly took an hour to help walk Claire through how to complete the forms – then she submitted them for Claire. It was amazing how much she helped Claire. Shelly already knew how to be an advocate for someone else. Claire prayed that someday she could be an advocate for herself. She told Mrs. Carson how much Shelly had helped her. Mrs. Carson had helped Claire make a batch of cookies to give Shelly as a thank you. Now, a few months later, Claire had been admitted to school.   

Interested in finding out about dental assistant school? Check out this link and find your state’s specifics: https://dentalassistantedu.org/dh/pa/ 

Let me get your pants on DAVY! Come on don’t be a brat! 

She just had to get Davy dressed so he wouldn’t miss the school bus. So far, he seemed to be liking school. Wouldn’t it be great if Davy never had to worry like Claire had about whether he could make it through school? Despite liking school, 3-year-old Davy is tired and just wants to stay home –why should he cooperate and get ready for the bus when he doesn’t want to go? “Davy,” Claire says in her serious mommy voice, “stop squirming, if you miss the bus, you won’t get pancakes for breakfast at Head Start.” Claire has learned from Head Start that reminding Davy about what was going to happen next, if he cooperated was a good way to get him to behave. Davy loved pancakes, he started helping Claire get him ready and she got him on the bus. . . just in time. 

By A. Hosack, P. Berman, & K. Hecht 

Ms. Alexandra is coming because I will be 18 soon. We could be homeless! I hated living with my parents. I can’t go back there they are bad for Davy and me.  I like living with the Carsons. I don’t want to leave. Will they let me stay? 

The doorbell rings; it must be Ms. Alexandra. Davy is sleeping so Claire comes down and opens the door. She smiles wanly at Ms. Alexandra. The Carsons come to the door and suggest everyone come into the living room. They hand out coffee, they put a plate of cookies on the table. 

Does this mean they are happy I am about to leave? They can’t wait for me to leave! 

Claire will be 18-years-old in two months. The Carsons have been exhausted a lot since Claire and Davy moved in.  They have gone without a lot of medicine, since they moved in. It is possible that are looking forward to her leaving. Ms. Alexandra doesn’t know. She does worry a lot about Claire and Davy being on their own. Claire will have her high school degree so she could get a job, but if she had to pay for child care, it would never be enough to live in a decent apartment. 

Claire had worked herself up so much with scary thoughts that she felt like she was going to pass out. Mrs. Carson noticed she had gone white and got her a glass of water. When Claire felt less dizzy, she broke out in tears, got on her knees and begged the Carsons to let her stay. They looked helplessly at Ms. Alexandra; they cared deeply for Claire and Davy, they wanted to help, but without the foster care money coming in, they could never afford to keep the two of them. 

Mr. Carson felt humiliated but his worry about Claire and Davy made him speak up. He told Ms. Alexandra that they wanted to keep this new family together, but they could only keep up with the bills if they got help. Ms. Alexandra broke out into her big smile; she was so relieved, the Carsons wanted to keep Claire. 

Claire put her head down in Mrs. Carson’s lap and muttered into it, “I’ll get a job, you can have all the money, just let me stay.” Mrs. Carson smiled and stroked Claire’s hair.  Ms. Alexandra pulled out some papers and said that some new state rules allowed the fostering process to continue if Claire met some specific criteria.  Claire would need to apply for a higher degree, or she could meet some employment criteria.   

Claire looked up at the Carsons and said she would do anything they told her to do. They smiled back. 

Do you think most 18-year-olds are ready to be completely on their own? 

Did you or someone you know, get some more help from family after they graduated high school? 

Ms. Alexandra had seen a lot of foster kids doing well in foster care until they had to move out and make all their decisions on their own. It was hard to balance the financial and parenting responsibilities. Some teen mothers ended up pregnant again, as they got married and then divorced within a few years.  The age 18 is really an arbitrary number for declaring someone an adult. While Claire can vote and do other adult-like things, research shows her brain may not function at an adult level until she is around 25.  It is common that young adults get help from their parents into their twenties and sometimes longer. Ms. Alexandra has seen a lot of foster kids doing well until they had to make all their decisions on their own. Ms. Alexandra would do everything she could to help the Carsons keep Claire and Davy with them. 

This is a critical time in Claire’s life. She could continue to learn from the Carsons and others, develop a good job record and be able to truly support herself and Davy in a few years. Or, she could end up like many kids who “timed-out” of foster care at 18.  It is very hard to balance financial, employment, and parenting responsibilities. Claire might have trouble controlling her anger or frustration at work and end up being fired from one job after another. She might be so lonely, living alone with Davy that she agreed to sex with the first man who showed an interest in her. Then, she might become pregnant again by another man who didn’t want to commit to her or being a father.  

Whether Claire stays with them or not, the Carsons had been thinking about what Claire might do after graduation from high school in a few months. Claire’s grades had stayed stable and high ever since she moved in. They knew she would be willing to go to a vocational program for more training. But, would going for a job right away be better because it wouldn’t cost money?   

What could help Claire and the Carsons most right now? Do you think Claire should have to make a choice right now, or just focus on learning more about being a good parent from the Carsons? 

Mrs. Carson often let other people tell her what to do. She had heard plenty of opinions from her adult children and her friends about Claire and Davy. They were all united in saying, “you have done enough,” “it’s not your responsibility to do more.” Mrs. Carson felt deep in her heart that Claire and Davy should stay with them. It would take the pressure off her back if people stopped telling her she was being foolish to think she had any responsibility for how Claire and Davy turned out.  

Mrs. Carson had read a lot of opinions about everything, in the editorial section of the local newspaper. She decided to write her own letter.  She wanted people in her community to realize, they were often helping their own adult kids so why should foster kids get less help when they needed more? She was going to recommend readers go to the website below and learn the rules of their state. She then wanted them to take a stand for helping foster children getting really prepared for independence, so that they had a decent chance at a better life than they had been born into. Maybe her letter could even inspire more people to become foster parents; Mrs. Carson was learning how to be an advocate for her beliefs by telling others about foster care needs. 

Is it worth taxpayer money to pay for foster children like Claire and Davy to get more help? 

Check out this resource to see the laws about extended foster care (beyond age 18) in your state: http://www.ncsl.org/research/human-services/extending-foster-care-to-18.aspx 

By K. Hecht, A. Hosack, & P. Berman

I hate Davy. I hate myself. It’s his fault! It’s my fault! What do I do?

She had hit Davy. He had been driving her crazy refusing to listen. Davy was asleep now, looking so sweet and making her feel more horrible about herself. Claire had trouble all day in school; she couldn’t concentrate and she might have blown a math test because of it. She had been nagged all day by the fear that she was turning into her mother.

What could she do to stop this?

She couldn’t tell the Carsons, but she could try to think like them. They were always saying she didn’t have to be perfect, but she knew hitting Davy was way too far from perfect to be acceptable to them. They would say, “reach out for help.” But she couldn’t reach out to them or they would know something was wrong.

She slipped on one of Davy’s socks and as she did this, she noticed the family computer that she had forgot to put back in the living room. Okay, this is a sign. She decided to get on that www.zerotothree.org and see what that complex place had to say about Davy and his refusal to listen. PLEASE let him be normal! PLEASE let me not have turned him into a monster!

Was God helping her out again? The first thing she say was this video that looked perfect for her situation. It was called: “Tantrums, Defiance, Aggression – Oh my!” (at https://vimeo.com/136542833). She watched it three times. She wanted to be like one of the parents in it. Watching the baby girl screaming in the video, she looked so much like Davy – really like a monster. But once she calmed down, she looked so cute. The video said it was normal that she screamed like that when she was mad. Having strong feelings was normal! Little kids just needed help learning how to calm down. This meant Davy wasn’t bad. She hadn’t ruined him already!

Claire had thought this through herself! She had not been like her mom, just screaming and hitting. She had hit Davy but, she realized this was being a bad mother and she acted and found other ideas. Her mom and dad got angry all the time, but if she or her siblings showed any signs of anger- her parents called it disrespect and took out the whip. Claire was free to think for herself now. She respected the Carsons and the stuff they were allowing her to learn from. Since zerotothree said it was normal for kids to get angry, it must be normal.  Claire would have to tune out that voice in her head, that sounded just like her dad saying, “time for the whip bitch” or her mother saying, “you waste of space, you can’t do anything right.”

Could she do this? If she told Mrs. Carson about it would she help her?

Davy woke up in a bad mood just as she finished reading. He began kicking her as she took him out of the crib. Claire tried her new ideas, “Davy, I can see you are mad because you kicked me. It’s okay to be mad, but it is not okay to kick me.”

Davy kept throwing kicking her, “I know you’re mad, I will help you calm down.” Then, she put him in her lap, hugged him tight and stroked his hair the way Mrs. Carson would stroke hers. At first, he kept kicking, but not enough to hurt her. She said, “You are so mad, but it is going to be alright. I will help you calm down.”

Davy finally stopped kicking and snuggled against Claire. She remembered that the moms in the video would say something nice when their child calmed down. She said, “I love holding my cuddly Davy.” Davy looked up at her and smiled. She said, “Let’s go see what Mrs. Carson is making for dinner, maybe we can help her.”  She stopped hugging Davy, he slipped down off her lap and waiting for her to stand up, then he took her hand and they walked down stairs.

“I want to thank you God for helping me think when I got home from school, I promise to never hit my Davy again.”

Claire wanted to ask the Carsons to help her learn how to identify her feelings and Davy’s. She realized she would have a hard time teaching Davy to control his anger, if she couldn’t control her own. But she was afraid to tell them she slapped Davy, so how was she to bring it up? Could she admit that she felt both good and bad about slapping Davy? She felt good because he listened, and she didn’t miss the bus. But she believed that video when it said that was not good for Davy.

During dinner Claire could barely eat. Dinner time was talk-together time at the Carsons. This is when she should bring it up. But if they knew she hit Davy, would they throw her out? As this thought played over and over in Claire’s mind, she began to sweat, and her heart was pounding. Then, she realized that she could tell them about what she did right- the stuff from Zero to Three website. This would help her explain why she would like their help.

Do you think Claire will keep her promise to God?

 

 

 

By P. Berman, K. Hecht, & A. Hosack

I am so tired of him saying no to me. I am his mom. He should do what I say. What is wrong with him?

I could just scream!

Claire doesn’t scream. She has been with the Carsons for almost two years and she knows they will come running if they hear she is in trouble.  She trusts them more than she has ever trusted anyone else but…Nancy lost her baby when Ms. Alexandra did a home visit and found her high on heroin.  This was not going to happen to her, Ms. Alexandra would never find out any of the bad thoughts she had sometimes about Davy. If the Carsons knew about them, they might tell Ms. Alexandra; they seemed to talk to her all the time.

I am on my own with this. I can do it. He must learn to listen!

Claire has been living with the Carsons for two years now. She understands all their home rules now and they have begun to feel “right” to her. She is supposed to be completely dressed and ready for school and bring Davy down to the table, also fully dressed and ready to start the day. Then, everyone sits down together for breakfast. It is nice not to eat alone and share ideas for what they will do during the day. It is really nice to have hot food for breakfast. Claire wants to keep doing this stuff even when she and Davy live alone.

Mr. And Mrs. Carson take care of Davy while she goes to school and will help at night when she is doing homework.  Davy is 2-years-old, walking around, and nothing she learned about babies seems to help now that Davy is older! Davy is giving her a lot of trouble this morning.

What is wrong with him now!

Claire keeps putting him on the bed so she can pull up his pants, but he keeps wiggling out of his pants and jumping on the mattress or slipping off the bed and hiding under it. He is under the bed again! She tells him to come out right now using this serious voice that Mrs. Carson told her to use. It works for Mrs. Carson but it isn’t working for her. Davy just keeps giggling and staying put.

It is getting late, if Claire doesn’t get down to breakfast in a minute, she is going to miss the bus to school. Davy must do what she says. What is she going to do? She makes a grab to pull him out from under the bed and loses her balance. She hits her head on the metal frame of the bed. At the same moment Davy giggles again. Claire loses it. She pulls Davy out by his ankle and slaps his face.

Davy is so shocked he freezes. While he just stares at her she pulls up his pants and puts on his shoes. Finally, he is ready. When she grabs his hand, he walks with her without a fuss.  It worked. Davy is cooperating. But she slapped Davy just like her mom used to slap her.

Is Claire going to turn into her mom?

The Carsons don’t have any idea that Claire slapped Davy. They feel she is making progress learning how to manage Davy but a two-year-old is tough to handle. The Carsons remember their kids went through this same thing with their grand kids.

The Carsons are excited that Claire is graduating this year and are planning a surprise party for her. But they are also very worried because her 18^th birthday is coming up in June. Ms. Alexandra told them that foster services typically end when children turn 18. The Carsons don’t think Claire is ready to be on her own- she is still a kid herself. However, how can they keep this new family together if the stipend from Ms. Alexandra ends?

In Pennsylvania, Claire could qualify to stay in foster care if she was in a secondary education program or working at least part-time. Ms. Alexandra has promised to come over and talk to Claire about this.

Do you think 18-year-olds are ready to make all their own life decisions?

Did you have parents or other adults helping you after you were 18?

 

 

 

 

By A. Hosack, P. Berman, & K. Hecht

My life is so much better because the Carsons took me in. What if they could get someone to take in Larry?  He really needed help, his parents were even scarier than hers.

Claire got so excited watching the video her mind was racing. Larry’s parents had beaten his back raw with daily beatings. He had missed a lot of school because he couldn’t put on a shirt. When he turned 14, the beatings finally stopped when he grabbed the whip from his dad and fought back. Since then, there was an uneasy truce in the house, they let him live in their basement and take food out of the refrigerator, but he was not allowed upstairs for any other reason and they called him ever foul word that had ever been invented.

Larry had never directly told Claire about this; he wasn’t much of a talker. However, when they took their clothes off, she could see the scars and welts on his back; she knew what caused these – she had a few herself. However, once when stroking his neck, she had felt some strange marks she couldn’t identify. At first when she asked him about it, he just grunted. But, as she sat silently waiting, he finally told her that when he was little, his dad would put the stub of his cigarette out on the back of his neck to teach him who was the boss.

 

Claire hadn’t told the Carsons anything about Davy’s dad.  Larry was private about his life and would be furious if he found out she had told the Carson’s anything. But maybe if she told them just a little of what Larry had gone through, they would help him find a foster home. If he got the kind of help, she was getting, maybe he would want to marry her and be a good father to Davy. Claire decided to start small, she asked them if any of their friends might want to become foster parents?

The Carsons didn’t know what to say. Their friends had all met Claire and Davy and they did envy the fact that the Carsons weren’t lonely any more. But all their friends were retired and living on fixed incomes. The money Ms. Alexandra gave them as a stipend for taking care of Davy and Claire didn’t cover much. While there was a local doctor who was on contract to provide Claire and Davy with medical care, the Carsons had been shocked at how quickly Claire and Davy were ushered in and ushered out by the nurse and doctor. When they had tried ask a question about Davy’s immunization shot for Davy, the doctor had told her he didn’t have time for chit chat.

After that visit, the Carsons brought Claire and Davy to the pediatrician they had used. Ms. Alexandra did her best, but she didn’t have the budget to cover the difference in cost between this pediatrician and the one they had a contract with; the Carsons decided they would just cover the rest of the cost themselves. The Carsons also covered extra costs like buying books for Claire to read Davy and subscribing to the parenting magazine Claire liked.  It was amazing how these few extra costs added up. They had started shorting themselves on their medicine to have enough money to cover the bills.

The Carsons’ friends had all met Claire and Davy and had envied the Carsons having company all the time. They admitted being lonely and bored at times. However, once they learned about the Carsons money problems, the envy ended; in retirement their greatest fear was running out of money.

The Carsons didn’t want Claire to feel bad so they hid from her their problems paying all the bills. Caseworker Alexandra didn’t know they were sacrificing their own medical needs either. She did know it was a miracle she had found the Carsons for Claire and Davy. There were a lot of rules around “who” could be a foster parent, and this made it more difficult to find families, particularly for teens who could be harder to care for. It was so frustrating that there were parents out there for teens that she thought would be great but the rules…

There is a bill that would prevent discriminatory practices in selecting foster parents. What might happen if instead of sitting around gathering dust, the bill was presented for a vote and passed into law? Could you or someone else you know spread the word about the need for more foster parents? Do you think single people should be allowed to be foster parents? What about gay couples?

If you follow the link below, you can find a proposed bill related to allowing more people to become foster parents if they have the skills and resources to offer a safe home and caring support.

What do you think of it? Would you support it?

https://www.govtrack.us/congress/bills/115/hr2640

For additional tips for ways to support foster families, like helping them get more family and friend support visit: https://www.mightymoms.club/support-foster-parents/

 

 

By K. Hecht, A. Hosack, & P. Berman

It is hard being a mother. One minute Davy seems to love me, and the next he screams so loud that his face gets red and he looks like my dad does when he is about to beat me.

Claire wants to just follow the advice of the 30-little-ways-to bond article. It told her that it wasn’t whether she was “loveable” or not. It was if she was “responsive to Davy” so he learned to be “responsive to her”. If she picked Davy up when he cried, even if she couldn’t figure out why he was crying, she was being a responsive parent and Davy would respond to her in return; this back and forth between them was what led to a strong mother –son bond.  Claire is excited by the idea that what she does has an impact on Davy’s feelings for her.  He would always love her as long as she was responsive to him!

The Carsons are pleased that Claire has taken their advice and begun taking Davy for walks around their back yard, so she isn’t inside all the time. They are also all taking turns reading stories to Davy after dinner and this has been a very relaxing way to end the day. But while Claire doesn’t have crying jags anymore, she still swings back and forth between feeling overwhelmed and feeling excited; the Carsons find her extreme moods are really tiring them out.

Things don’t blow up because caseworker Alexandra stays in close touch with them.  Having her to talk to keeps the Carsons’ stress down. They keep feeling inadequate because Claire needs so much more from them then their own children did. Alexandra reminds them that It is okay to do not have all the answers. Alexandra tells them that they have already given Claire more support than she has ever had in her life.

Until moving in with them, Claire had never lived in a safe, caring home. When they think about it, they realize Claire has given them many indications of how much their home means to them. She is always gently holding their possessions and telling them how beautiful everything is. When they gave her a framed picture of herself holding Davy on her birthday, she had burst into tears and held the picture to her chest saying it was the most wonderful gift in the world.

Claire loves living in the Carsons’ house and walking around their backyard; everything looks so nice- nothing is broken. She has begun to help out by doing the dishes and vacuuming the carpets. Unlike her parents, the Carsons always smile at her and tell her what a big help she is; living with them is like a fairy tale come true.

The Carsons have become very attached to Claire and Davy. They are never lonely anymore and it gives them joy to watch Claire and Davy growing up and knowing they are needed. But it isn’t a fairy tale for them. Sometimes they talk to their children about how hard it is to “raise” Claire and Davy. Their children don’t understand why they are doing this to begin with. They should just be taking it easy during their senior years. That is not what the Carsons want. Many other seniors are like them, they want to do something meaningful with their days.

Claire asks the Carsons after dinner why they took her in? They said they were considering fostering a young child but then came across a video on the internet. They watched it again, this time with Claire and Davy.  Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=12&v=Mtc2Yh4QOwE

Claire hugs Mr. And Mrs. Carson, and hold Davy up their faces and tells him to give them a kiss; he doesn’t know how to kiss yet but he leaves a wet spot and smiles. Claire tells them she has never been happier in her life and doesn’t know what would have happened to her if they hadn’t taken her in.

Claire was very lucky the Carsons were available to help her. In 2012, over 58,000 children were unable to be placed in foster homes because none were available—the need is great, especially for older children.

Do you know anyone who wants to do more meaningful with their life? Consider watching the YouTube video with them. You might be helping to save a Claire and Davy.