By   P. Berman, A. Hosack, & K. Hecht

You have ruined my life. I will teach you. No waste of space like you will stand in my way!

The nightmare felt so real! Claire couldn’t even recognize herself. The bad mommy was so powerful- like a combination of both her mom and dad. She swung her belt down hard on Davy, cutting him to the bone – like her dad. She left a bleeding, whimpering Davy alone in the basement – calling him a waste of space as she slammed the door shut – just like her mom. No. No. I want to be like the Carsons not them!

Claire was sweating buckets under her clothes- her shirt was clinging to her body like another skin. She was alone in the waiting room. She was having a flash back to her last nightmare. If Mr. Carson was there, he would have held her hand and she would never have re-lived last night’s dream. But…he wasn’t here. She had suddenly told Mr. Carson she didn’t want to waste his time and jumped out of the car at a red light and run the last block into the building. This change in plan worried Mr. Carson.  Something was wrong. He parked the car as fast as he could and rushed to the waiting room. Claire’s coat was hanging up. Good she was here but…what was going on?

A few minutes early, Dr. Berman had opened her office door and said, “Good morning Claire, come on in.” Claire had rushed in, too stressed to just walk, but then she sat down and didn’t say anything- what could she say? (2-minute silence). Claire was scratching at her legs and looking miserable.

“Claire, you seem to have something on your mind. We can talk about it (1-minute silence) or, you could just tell me about something that happened this week you feel comfortable sharing.”

I need to tell her about the wagon. No, I can’t tell her about the wagon. I am terrified of myself!

Claire couldn’t tell anyone she had abused Davy but dragging him by this arm and then thrusting him into the wagon. She knew it must have really hurt when his head banged into the metal handle. She knew the bad mommy would win if she didn’t get help but what could she say that wouldn’t make Ms. Alexandra take Davy away from her?

Claire decided. “I lost my temper with Davy in the Park over the weekend.  I don’t ever want to do this again.”  Claire then stared at Dr. Berman, blinking her eyes quickly trying not to cry.

“Your eyes look so moist Claire, it’s okay to cry in here.”

Five minutes of silence went by with Dr. Berman silently attending to Claire as she cried in the chair and held tightly to Dr. Berman’s tissue box.  “We can sit quietly together for the whole session if you want. Or, whenever you are ready, you can tell me more about losing your temper with Davy?”  Claire wiped her eyes, “I started out just right,” Claire said desperately. “I told Davy clearly it was time to clean up. I gave him a countdown to three when he wasn’t cleaning up and began to put his toys away for him, ignoring his whining.” (I-minute silence) “He didn’t listen. He threw sand in my eyes and ….” (1-minute silence)

“Sand really hurts when it gets into the eyes Claire. I can understand why something would go wrong after that happened. (I-minute silence) “Can you tell me what went wrong?” “Davy screamed he didn’t love me. He began to take his toys out of the wagon where I had put them. I felt so angry and so hurt I just yelled back really meanly,” Claire whispered. It wasn’t true but maybe it was enough to get the help she needed.

“Claire, you did a lot right with Davy at the park. But, raising children is complicated and Davy is a spunky little boy. He is going to keep testing you, just like he did at the park. Can he be your mom or are you his?” (1- minute silence)

“I am the mom. He is too little to know what is good for him.”

“Absolutely, you know much more about what Davy needs than he does. He needs more control over his ability to focus his attention, so he listens to- most of the time. He needs more control over his feelings- so he can talk about not wanting to stop playing rather than throwing sand – most of the time. He needs more control over his thoughts so that he will stop and think, before making a decision – most of the time.”

“I want him to do those things all the time,” Claire said in despair.

“Davy can’t be a perfect little boy, just like you can’t be a perfect mom. No one can be perfect. We have to aim at a rational middle ground.”

“How do we start, I need to learn fast,” Claire said.

“Step one, is we focus on you. Parents have to have a huge reservoir of extra self-control to stay in charge even when their kids are behaving very badly. Then, we add Davy to the plan.”

Claire sat up in her chair. This plan sounded good. It would strengthen her good mommy so she could keep that bad one pushed down.

“I will get some practice materials ready for you next week. Today, why don’t you take this list of feelings and study it. Notice that there are ten levels of each feeling. We want to recognize our feelings when they are at the low level there. That is when they are easy to recognize and acknowledge while being the patient mom you want to be.  It was normal that you would feel angry at Davy when he threw sand in your face. Feeling angry isn’t the problem. It is feeling so angry that you don’t act like the mother you want to be that is the problem.”

To learn more about emotions and how to regulate them go to:  https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/dbt-emotion-regulation-skills.pdf

 

By   K. Hecht, P. Berman, & A. Hosack

 

Davy is being so stubborn. He is not listening. He is ignoring me when I say he has to clean up!

It was a beautiful day and Claire had taken Davy to the park to play. Everything had gone well for two hours but now they needed to leave. Claire had to go shopping, make dinner, put Davy to bed, and start working on her job resume for her class tomorrow.

Claire said clearly, “Davy, if you do not put your toys back in our wagon, I will not give you ice cream tonight before bed.” Davy didn’t want to leave the park. He was having a great time playing in the sand box. He loved sand. It was so squishy under his fingers and he could cover his legs in it. He heard his mom telling him to clean up but was pretending he didn’t. Claire counted to three, which was his signal he was about to lose his ice cream.” At the count of three, Claire began putting his toys away.

“Stop that, Stop that, Stop that!” Davy said in a loud voice pounding his legs down in the sand along with each “stop”. Claire was getting very frustrated, but she knew what to do and just continued to put his toys away. When his last bucket and shovel was in the wagon, Claire said,” three”. Davy stopped pounding his legs. He suddenly realized he had lost his ice cream. He loved ice cream. He was so mad he screamed out, “I hate you mommy!” and threw sand in her face.

The sand got into Claire’s eyes and made them really hurt. As she tried to help herself, Davy started grabbing his toys and throwing them back into the sand.  That was more than she could take. She could barely see for the tears streaming down her face, she shattered….

Claire dragged a crying Davy up out of the sandbox ignoring his whimper that she was hurting his arm. At the wagon, she shoved him hard down and his back hit the metal handle of the wagon. He looked up at her face and instantly became very quiet. Claire dragged the wagon back to the house, leaving all Davey’s toys behind.

Reaching the garage, Mr. Carson came out to help. He noticed the sand in Claire’s hair and her streaming eyes and knew immediately what was wrong. “You go ahead and get that sand out of your face,” he said with concern, “I will get Davy back into the house.” Mr. Carson looked down at the very quiet Davy and took him out of the wagon and put him back on his feet.  Mr. Carson asked Davy what happened. Davy just whispered, “I don’t get ice cream and mom left my toys at the park.” He burst into tears.

Claire put her face in a sink of water and finally got the sand out of her eyes, but they were still pounding because the water itself didn’t feel good in her eyes. Claire looked at herself and saw the huge red rings that were her eyes. She shook the sand out of her hand and then cleaned up the bathroom.  When Mrs. Carson came in her room to say she had made dinner, Claire was crying and staring at her fish. “What happened?”

I can’t tell Mrs. Carson about the bad mother in me. I will have to make something up. I don’t want to lie to Mrs. Carson. I love her so much.

Claire looked up at Mrs. Carson and tried to smile- but it just didn’t work. “Did Davy give you a hard time at the park?” Mrs. Carsons asked.  Claire just nodded and wiped her eyes. “Every mother has bad days Claire, don’t be too hard on yourself. Let’s try to have a nice dinner and maybe we can watch something funny on TV after Davy is in bed?”

Claire did her best to pretend everything was normal during dinner.  Davy could tell his mommy was still mad at him because she never gave him a playful nudge during dinner. He was very obedient when Claire told him it was time to go to bed. She held his hand as they walked up the stairs, but she didn’t look at him or smile.

Once he was in bed, she asked him what story he wanted. Davy whispered, “I’m bad. I don’t deserve a story.” No. This was not right. Kids misbehaved sometimes. Claire had learned that at Head Start. Claire didn’t want Davy to think he was bad. She pulled him gently into a big hug, “Davy, you aren’t bad. You are a good little boy who had trouble listening today.” Tomorrow, you can be a good listener and earn your ice cream.”

Davy was so relieved his mommy still loved him. “Mommy I love you so much!  Can you read me Good Night Moon?” Claire sighed with relief. Davy was okay, her good mom was back. She read him the book twice, the way he liked it, tucked him in, and then went downstairs. She told the Carsons most of what happened, but not about shoving Davy into the wagon.

I can’t let them know about the bad mommy in me. I have to fight her down deep inside me so she can’t ever get out!”

No one can be a perfect parent.  If you ever feel discouraged, or know someone who is, consider this:

https://theparentcue.org/dear-discouraged-parent-read-this-before-you-implode/

 

 

 

By   A. Hosack, & K. Hecht, P. Berman

Claire was falling fast, she could feel the crash coming. The ground was getting closer. She would hit the tree tops, and these would kill her. Would that be for the best- finally, relief from her pain? Yet, Davy needed her- she couldn’t die, she had to hold on. She looked up at Dr. Berman who was just sitting there quietly, watching her.

Was this therapy? Was this supposed to help her?  Why did she feel like she wasn’t falling any more when she saw Dr. Berman quietly waiting for her?

“Claire, can you tell me what’s going through your mind? (1-minute silence) You looked terrified again. (2-minute silence). What we are doing right now isn’t helping you. Do you have any idea what might work?”

“If I was home,” Claire whispered, “I would watch my fish swim in its bowl until I calmed down.”

“Close your eyes and imagine you are home.”  Claire squeezed her eyes shut. “Try to relax your eye lids so you can see your fish bowl up a head in your imagination.  You are walking slowly towards it through the house, happy to know you are almost there. Ah, you have reached it. Describe what you are doing.”

“I am kneeling down on the floor, so the fish will be at my eye level. (1-minute silence) Claire begins to smile. My beautiful gold fish is just swimming around and around. It seems to be looking out at me now, hungry. Can I feed it?”

“Of course, it is your fish. You are the one who knows what it needs.”

“I sprinkle just a little at the top of the bowl. My fish will eat till the food is all gone even if I give it too much to eat. Mrs. Carson taught me how to give it just the right amount. It is so cute to see how it opens its mouth and seems to suck the food in. One piece gone, another, another, my fish has eaten it all and seems content now to just swim around and around.”

“How does it swim?”

“It moves its fins back and forth, so easily, so graceful; I want to learn how to swim someday.”  (2-minute silence)

“Claire, as you watch your fish swim around the bowl, do you think you could tell me what is going through your mind?” (2-minute silence)

What should I say? I don’t know what to say! (sweat is pouring down Claire’s face)

“Sometimes people think they can only talk about the worst things in the world when they come in here.” (two minutes of silence) “It is up to you, but maybe instead you should tell me something that is going well for you right now?”

“I had a session at school where I cleaned someone’s teeth. He told me I did a good job, that it didn’t hurt at all.”

“That’s great Claire. Did he tell you anything else?”

“He is a custodian of a department store and he doesn’t have any dental insurance. He had begun to lose some of his teeth. He had known about our school clinic, but he didn’t want to be an experiment for someone like me.”

“It sounds like he was afraid a student hygienist might hurt him?” Dr. Berman said.

“Yes, but he figured pain was better than losing more teeth, so he finally came in.” (1-minute pause) “He asked the receptionist on the way out if he could schedule another cleaning with me in a few months!” Claire was rubbing her legs with her hands.

“That’s quite a compliment, but you are rubbing your legs like you aren’t sure?” (2-minute silence) “He went from being afraid to come to wanting more appointments. All because of how well you did.  Why aren’t you smiling?”

“Anyone in school could have done what I did.”

“Did everyone get the same feedback as you?”

“No.” (1-minute silence) Some of the patients got up and left before the exam was over. A few times a teacher had to take over and finish an exam.”

“But, you did everything yourself.” Claire is beginning to smile. “That means something good about you, Claire. Your patient said you didn’t hurt him. That means something good about you. Your patient wants to see you again. Can you let yourself feel good about this?”

“I don’t know?” (1-minute silence) Suddenly, the smile is gone, and tears have started to pour down Claire’s face. Dr. Berman hands her the tissue box.

“Claire, what is happening?”

“I can’t feel good about anything. I just can’t. If I tell you why, can you promise it will make all the pain go away?”

“No, I can’t. But, I can promise to listen carefully to what you tell me. I can promise to help you gain a greater understanding of what has happened to you.”

Claire has begun to clutch her belly and looks terrified. “I am so afraid to be here talking to you but so afraid to leave.” (1-minute of silence)

“I see the fear in your face. I am here with you. Remember, Mr. Carson is also sitting in the waiting room for you. You have both of us with you.”

“I think I need to go,” Claire has gotten up.

“I will be here for you next week if you want to come back? (Claire nods and tears up). If you need to talk before next week you can call me.  Otherwise, spend some time every day, watching your fish and thinking about what is important for us to talk about.”

“I can do that,” Claire said softly as she leaves the room.

 

By  P. Berman, A. Hosack, & K. Hecht

Will Dr. Berman be able to read my mind? Will she think I’m a waste of space? I feel like I am being sucked in to nowhere.

Dr. Berman came in and called Claire’s name. Jumping up in a daze, Claire looked at Mr. Carson. He smiled at her, waved her on, and then picked up his book and started reading. To Claire, he looked so calm; everything must be okay.  Mr. Carson was just pretending to be calm. He had never met a therapist before. He didn’t know what to expect but he trusted Ms. Alexandra and she thought this Dr. Berman was the right one to help Claire. He took a moment to close his eyes and pray that his Claire would get the help she needed.

Claire followed Dr. Berman into the room where they would be talking. It was bright and sunny, so different than the basement she had been dreaming about last night. Claire had tossed and turned hearing her dad’s belt strike her back for most of the night. But it was a different dream, a worse dream that sent her into a fit of screaming and woke everyone else in the house. In this dream, Claire was standing over Davy in the basement- holding her dad’s belt; was this her future? The Carsons wanted Claire to tell Dr. Berman about her nightmares.  She just couldn’t. They were too private, too painful.

I feel like I am being sucked down into agony and pain. The Carsons think it would help to let the memories come out. But, maybe it would make things worse!

The sound of Dr. Berman’s voice pulled Claire back to the here and now. “Claire, please sit down anywhere you want.” Claire looked around and took the chair across from Dr. Berman. “Before I ask you anything about yourself, I wanted to tell you about me and what I can and can’t do to help you.”

Claire was relieved she was expected to talk first. She looked into Dr. Berman’s eyes. She saw someone looking very seriously at her but reassuring somehow. “Even though Miss Alexandra is paying for your visits, I made it clear to her that everything we talked about would be private between us. If you wanted to share something with her or the Carsons, that would be up to you.”

“They want me to talk about my past. I don’t know if I want too,” Claire whispered into clasped hands.

“You will decide what to tell me. (1-minute silence) But, even though most things we might talk about would be completely private, there are a few things that couldn’t be private if they came up.”

“I won’t tell you anything if you won’t promise me it’s private,” Claire whispered desperately.

“The only thing I care more about than your privacy Claire, is your safety, Davy’s safety, and people like the Carsons’ safety.   If I was worried someone might not be safe, I am required by law to report this to the authority whose job it is to keep this person safe.”

I should never have come here. This is a mistake. I can’t tell her anything. It isn’t safe. What can I do?

“Claire, you looked so stressed by what I said. Let me give you an example of when safety might come first. I work hard to help people take good care of themselves and their children. Let’s say that two children came in with their parents to talk to me and I saw the children had a lot of bruises on their bodies. If I believe the bruises were caused by the bicycle accident they were talking about, then our conversation would remain completely private. However, if I was worried the parents had intentionally caused the bruises, no matter how much I cared about the parents, I would have to put the safety of the children first and call someone like Ms. Alexandra.”

“What would happen if those parents had accidentally knocked their children down when they were on bicycles- it really was an accident!”

“I have confidence that Ms. Alexandra would figure this out. She would apologize for asking the parents so many questions and then she would say goodbye to the family.” (two minutes of silence) Claire was thinking about the time she slapped Davy. He did get a bruise and it hadn’t been an accident. When the Carsons asked Davy about it, he had just looked at her. He didn’t tell them the truth and they got distracted getting by something and didn’t ask again.

“Claire, I can see you are thinking carefully about something. Do you have any questions for me about this?” (1- minute of silence) “It would be understandable if you were worried I wouldn’t keep something private between us if you didn’t want others to know about it.” (1-minute silence) “Claire, I notice you have shrunk down into your chair, can I help you think through something?”

Dr. Berman notices everything. What should I say? I am not telling her about hitting Davy. I can’t let Ms. Alexandra know she would be so disappointed in me!

Claire hadn’t hit Davy again since that really bad day. But, Davy was getting harder and harder to guide as he got older. The Head Start advice helped but some days, thoughts of hitting him did cross her mind. He had listened and done what she said after she hit him- it had worked, but it felt bad inside to do it.

“What if someone thought about hitting someone, who was being really annoying, but didn’t do it?”

“Everyone has thoughts of hitting or hurting someone from time to time. If someone told me this, I would keep this private unless, I was afraid that something terrible might happen.  Then, I would have to try to stop it from happening.” Claire was sweating now and staring into her lap.

“I don’t know what you are thinking about Claire, but I can tell it is painful to think about. This is the type of choice you will have to make a lot in here. Will you share something with me, and maybe I can help you, or keep it to yourself and continue suffering alone?” (two minutes of silence) “It’s not an easy choice to make when you are unsure what I would do if I knew what the painful thought was.”

Claire blurted out, “I’m not afraid of Ms. Alexandra. She has always helped me!”

“I know she would be pleased to hear that, but I will keep it completely private, so it is up to you if she finds out you said it.” Claire smiles and then remembers something that made her look serious again.

“I met a girl, Nancy, just once at Ms. Alexandra’s office. She was about to be drug tested. She was scared because Ms. Alexandra did take her daughter away for a while. Nancy told me that when she was high, she would forget to care for her baby.”

“That is the safety issue I was talking about Claire. If I thought Davy wasn’t safe, I would call Ms. Alexandra even if you didn’t want me to. But, I wouldn’t just say Davy was unsafe, I would say what the two of us where doing to try to fix whatever the problem was.”

“You would help me even if I hurt Davy?” Claire said with a sob.

“Yes, Claire, that is why I am here. (1- minute pause) I want to do everything I can to help you.”

“Would you have Davy taken away just because I was getting really frustrated with him?”

“First of all, I can’t take children from their parents. (Claire is relieved to hear this.) Would I call Ms. Alexandra because you said you were really frustrated? No, all parents get really frustrated sometimes (Claire sighed). But, if I was worried that Davy might not be getting the food and shelter he needed to stay full and warm; I would call Ms. Alexandra.  If I thought you were always talking to him in a cruel way, not once when you had a bad cold, but all the time. I would call her. If I thought you purposely injured him but called it discipline, I would call her. You can trust me, I will always put Davy’s safety first ahead of your privacy.”

Claire looked into Dr. Berman’s eyes and looked intent. “I might get really angry if you called Ms. Alexandra and told her things I didn’t want her to know.”

“I would be sorry you were angry at me but, that wouldn’t stop me. If I thought you were in danger of hurting Davy, the Carsons, or anyone else – including yourself, I would try to help you control yourself, so no one would get hurt. But, if I thought you might do something dangerous, I would take action to protect the person- even if it was a person I didn’t like or respect.  Even If I totally understood why you would want to harm the person.”

“I might never want to see you again if you did this?”

“I would understand why you were angry at me. I would not want to disappear from your life Claire. But, safety must come before privacy. Even if meant Ms. Alexandra would need to find someone else for you to talk to.”

I guess it’s a good thing she would put Davy’s safety first. Davy might need to be protected from me. The dream felt very real. I was in the basement with Davy. I was holding the belt up and looking at him.  I can’t let this dream come true! (2- minute silence)

“If you come back next week Claire, you could take time, like you are now, deciding what you wanted to talk about. It would be a partnership between you and me. We would decide on how to proceed together, on the goals you would want help with, using the strategies I have for helping people that would make the most sense for you. Your life is your life; I would not be sharing what we talked about with anyone, but you could tell anyone you wanted what we talked about.”

I don’t know what I want. I want to leave and run away. I want to stay and sink into the chair. What do I want? (2-minute silence)

“Claire, we will be talking together about some of the toughest things people face when they try to have a happy family. It would make sense if you weren’t sure you wanted to be here. (2 -minute pause) It is time to end for today.” (Claire is still sitting in the chair lost in thought)

“If you don’t want to come back and talk to me, just tell Ms. Alexandra and she will find you another therapist. I hope you come back. I will always be ready to listen to your point of view even if it means hearing you say that I have misunderstood you or that you don’t think I am helping you.”

Claire got up abruptly and almost knocked the flowers off the table by her feet. Dr. Berman caught them before they fell. Claire said, “I think I’ll come back but….I’m not sure.”

 

By P. Berman, A. Hosack, & K. Hecht

 

Claire was calm on the outside but feeling broken into a million pieces on the inside; would she shatter?

She was sitting in her regular place on the sofa next to Mr. Carson. She had just tucked in a tired but hyperactive, Davy into bed. He had managed to pull her shirt out of her pants and turn her hair into a bird’s nest. She didn’t know what the family meeting was for but was worried that Mrs. Carson had noticed something was wrong with her at the bus stop. Claire was so grateful for the care she received from the Carsons. She tried to show her gratitude by always putting up the front that she was happy and doing well- until the front cracked, like today at the bus stop.

Mrs. Carson looked concerned as she sat in her special easy chair across from Claire and Mr. Carson. Leaning towards her, Mrs. Carson asked, “why were you really crying at the bus stop?” Claire blinked and just sat immobile on the couch.

Should I tell them? Will they feel cracked if they know how much I hurt? She could tell. No, she couldn’t.

“I love you both so much but…” Claire looked back and forth between them and decided on a half-truth, “I am just so lonely. Please don’t be angry with me but I can’t make friends at school.  It’s just too hard.” It was true that Claire was terribly lonely. Claire pushed the rest of her pain, her relationships with Larry and her real parents, back down deep inside her – unspoken.

Overwhelming pain sent her head down into her lap – her tears began to soak into her pants.  She told herself that she was protecting, not betraying the Carsons, by not telling them everything.

Mr. and Mrs. Carson looked at each other. Claire had always vacillated between a smiling and happy face, and waves of tears; they had never known what to do besides listen. Mr. Carson moved over on the couch and stroked her hair. Mrs. Carson gently talked to her. “we aren’t angry Claire. A young woman like you needs friends to go out with and talk to.  We want you to have friends” (Claire looked up and tried to smile). “We love you and we know you love us. We have worried a little that you might not have any friends because you never talk about anyone at school.” Claire started crying again. She felt so bad that she had not told them everything.

How could she tell them she was a waste of space? They would just tell her she wasn’t, that she was important. But, Claire knew it was just a miracle that the Carsons cared for her.

Looking down at a sobbing Claire, Mr. Carson remembered how Ms. Alexandra had warned them right from the beginning, that while a safe home was critical to Claire and Davy, they would need more. Claire had suffered extensive abuse. She might need to talk through her experiences with a therapist once she felt safe enough to examine her past.

“You will always be our precious Claire, no matter how old you get and what you do with your future with Davy; but, we are just plain old parents,” Mr. Carson said. “Let’s ask Ms. Alexandra to find a therapist for you to talk to. Someone who can understand why you have these terrible dreams.”

Suddenly Mrs. Carson started laughing. Claire and Mr. Carson looked up at her in surprise. “Why are we all sitting here stroking Claire’s hair when we could be talking about this over the chocolate fudge ice cream Claire bought!” Claire was laughing now and rushing past the Carsons into the kitchen to serve the ice cream. Serious again, Mr. Carson looked in Claire’s eyes and said, “What you went through is the kind of suffering we just don’t understand because we were lucky and had parents who knew how to care for us. “

“Fortunately, we have found common ground where we can understand each other,” Mrs. Carson said as she popped a spoon full of ice cream in her mouth, “we all really love chocolate fudge ice cream. This brand is great, thanks for choosing it Claire.”

Claire smiled as she tasted it. It was great ice cream…but she was exhausted. When the ice cream bowls were all washed and put away, Mrs. Carson took Claire’s hand and said, “how about a special good night tuck in?” Mrs. Carson tucked her in tight, the same way she tucked Davy in. She gave Claire a kiss on both cheeks and told her to have “sweet dreams and not to worry, she and Mr. Carson would make sure all the gremlins and trolls stayed out from under her bed.” Claire laughed and turned over in bed as she heard Mrs. Carson gently shut her door.

If you know someone who is looking for a counselor or therapist near them, there is a website that might help:  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists . However, finding someone close by is just the first step. The second, is to use the fact sheet from the American Psychological Association to help decide if the therapist that was located is a good choice . https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/finding-good-therapist

 

By  K. Hecht P. Berman, A. Hosack

I am so lonely. My only friend is in prison. The Carsons don’t even know I am writing him; they wouldn’t like it but….. I don’t know why I am writing him. He has hit me so many times. The Carsons say I am not a punching bag. But,..I am so lonely!

Claire realizes her bus stop is about to come up. She wipes the tears off her face and slowly gets off the bus. Looking around what is now “her neighborhood” she looks at the beautiful trees and well-cared for houses. It is such a beautiful place and she lives here. Soon, she will graduate, and everyone expects her to live in an apartment with Davy.

I don’t want to move out. I will be so much lonelier without the Carsons!

Claire starts to cry again. She stands still trying to control herself. The bus has driven off like it does every day. She is just someone who got off it. No one important. No one has noticed her needing help. Everyone else on the bus was tired and just wanting to be home. No one knows their lack of attention supported her idea that she was a waste of space.

Davy has been watching for her out the window. He doesn’t know she needs help, but he does see her just standing there on the sidewalk. He rushes into the kitchen and pulls on Mrs. Carson hand. He tells her he wants to go out and grab his mommy in a big hug. They open the front door and Davy takes off like a bullet.  Mrs. Carson walks slowly towards Claire, it’s a bad arthritis day. She has just reached the end of her own sidewalk when she sees Davy grabbing Claire around the knees in a big hug. Mrs. Carson breaks off in a big smile; she is too far away to see Claire’s tears.

Claire clutches Davy to her but she can still barely see through her tears.  She strokes his hair and calls him “her Davy”.  He looks up at her, wipes a tear off her face, and asks why she is crying. She kisses his cheek. Claire knows she must be Davy’s strong mommy, so she tells him she caught her hand in the bus door as it closed. He grabs her hand and gives it a big kiss and then looks up, “is it all better now?” She hugs him again and tells him he has fixed it just right.

Davy takes her hand just as Mrs. Carson arrives. She notices Claire’s tears but doesn’t say anything. Davy tells her that his mommy hurt her hand, but he fixed it with a kiss. “Love is the best medicine,” Mrs. Carson says as she takes Davy’s other hand and they walk home. Claire acted like everything was all right all through dinner and tucking Davy in for bed. But, then Mrs. Carson took her hand and said they needed a family meeting once Davy was asleep.

Can Claire tell the Carsons how lonely she is?

Many people besides Claire are lonely. Studies have shown that loneliness and social isolation can lead to a 30% increase risk for having a stroke or developing coronary artery disease. Jullianne Holt-Lonstad can tell you much more about loneliness if you go to an article by her at: https://www.apa.org/members/content/holt-lunstad-loneliness-social-connections

You could take a personal advocacy step to help end loneliness in people you know. Take a moment to consider whether you have any relatives or friends who might be lonely. Put it on your schedule to call them for five minutes once a week.

 

 

 

By  P. Berman,  K. Hecht, &  A. Hosack  

NO….it’s today! I can’t. I don’t want to. I must!

Claire had a knot in her stomach. She was holding her pillow against her stomach and trying to go back to sleep. She didn’t want to wake up. If she did, she would have to take the National Dental Hygienist Examination. It included 350 test questions! Despite all her hard work in school, it was this test that would determine if Claire could get a job as a dental hygienist.

Claire would need a score of at least 75% to pass this test. Claire was doing very well in school; she had a B+ grade point average. She tried to remind herself of that but…it brought her no comfort; all her thoughts were of failure. Yet, she couldn’t fail. The Carsons had used their own money to pay the $440-dollar fee required to take the exam. Claire had promised she would pay them back out of her paychecks each month. Of course, there would be no paychecks if she didn’t get her 75%.

The Carsons were so confident she would do well. They had planned a party next month to celebrate her “victory” of graduating from school and getting her license to practice. They were sure she would be spending next month looking for her first job as a hygienist!  Ms. Alexandra had already promised to come to the party! It was hard to imagine- Ms. Alexandra was actually taking time off from her own private life to celebrate with Claire. Would her own parents be proud or still think she was a waste of space? These thoughts brought on the tears again.

Stop that. Stop that… The Carsons are your parents now.

Claire smiled, looked at her fish and took a deep breath. Yes, the Carsons were her parents and they were proud of her hard work. Claire was putting her feet on the ground just as Davy ran in screaming excitedly for her.

It’s pancakes mommy. Pancakes with raspberries because it’s your special hard day!

Claire couldn’t resist Davy’s excitement. She grabbed his hand and they both ran down the hallway and jumped off the bottom staircase onto the floor with a huge STOMP. They rushed into the kitchen and Davy fed his mommy her first taste of pancakes. Looking into his happy face, Claire felt happy too- at least for now.

After breakfast, Claire’s stomach felt a little queasy, but she went upstairs and spent sometimes just looking at her fish and remembering how hard she had worked. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine her fish, and lots of other fish, just swimming calmly through her mind.

Mrs. Carson came upstairs and tied her hair in a French braid. It was Claire’s favorite hair style and they had picked it together as something like a good luck charm. She could tug it gently if she got scared during the test to remember she was loved.

When Claire entered her class room she noticed that all the students looked nervous. She wasn’t the only one!  As the exam was handed out, Claire gave her braid a small tug and felt better. She sent a small prayer to God for help, picked up her pencil, and began the test.

I don’t deserve love. But, the Carsons and Davy do love me. I won’t let them down. I will pass this test.

Claire is bright and hard- working but she would never be where she is now, taking a test to launch her future as a dental hygienist without the Carsons. There aren’t enough foster parents. Consider taking a social advocacy step and learning what the procedures are for becoming a foster parent.  You could call your local Child Protective Service office and talk to their foster parent coordination. Or, you could look at the materials on the National Foster Parent Association website at:  https://nfpaonline.org/ . Even if you decide you can’t be a foster parent yourself, you could write a letter to the editor to encourage others. Here is an example you could take if you wanted:

Our county currently has many children and teens in need of a temporary or permanent home. To learn about becoming a foster parent, you could call this number…..(insert number) and ask to speak with the foster care coordinator.  You could also go to the National Foster Parent Association website to learn more about what foster parents get out of helping youth in need. If you have a loving heart and have time to teach a child or teen how to be a good citizen of this world, act now. You are needed.

 

By A. Hosack , P. Berman, & K. Hecht

I really want those ice cream bars. I wonder what I could put back on the shelf so I could afford them.

The Carsons’ had been thinking a head till when Claire graduated from school and would be living with Davy in her own apartment. They had opened a bank account for Claire and put money for food and clothing into her account every month; they took this money from the stipend they got from Child Protective Services for caring for Claire and Davy; they didn’t keep anything for themselves but expected Claire to buy food for the entire family. They sat down next to Claire every week and helped her consider what she might need to purchase. They started by helping Claire balance her bank account each month but now she knows how to do this herself. Claire would be struggling to find enough money each week for food if she didn’t have the Supplemental Income for Women, Infants, and Children.

Program (WIC) to rely on until Davy is 5 years old. This government program for poor families has been found to improve children’s health and school achievement. Claire met with someone at WIC in her town who was very friendly and talked to her a lot about how to pick healthy food.

Claire was working so hard to follow a budget and select healthy foods. Yet…. she wanted those ice cream bars. Would it be so bad to pick them just this once? She was looking carefully in her cart but there was nothing to put back that she didn’t need. She saw another mother who had a lot of store brands in her cart. She noticed this mother had a quart of ice cream.

Should I talk to her? Will she get mad? Will she think I’m stupid?

The other mom happened to look over and noticed Claire looking at the ice cream. She seemed to read her mind, “buying a quart of store brand ice cream is cheaper than buying those small bars you are holding. They also last a lot longer if you are careful to only give everyone one scoop at a time. I notice you have apples, I bought the oranges today because they are on special and cost less- and they are bigger!” Claire smiled and thanked her and then the other mom smiled back before walking off down the aisle.  Mrs. Carson was right again. There were friendly people out there who would help her.

The WIC program had been found to increase the health of pregnancies as well as to reduce other negative outcomes in children. You can learn more about the program at: https://www.cbpp.org/research/food-assistance/wic-works-addressing-the-nutrition-and-health-needs-of-low-income-families

 

 

By   K. Hecht, A. Hosack, and P. Berman

I want my mommy!

Davy was tired after school. On the long bus ride home, he kept thinking about getting a story from his mommy. Now, he as he stepped off the bus and eagerly looked around- she wasn’t there, it was just Mr. Carson. Claire had put Davy on the bus like she had for months but had forgotten to tell him that Mr. Carson would be getting him from now on. She had been so nervous about going to her own school that she had put all her energy into appearing happy for Davy as she got him on the bus.

Davy loved Mr. Carson but he didn’t read stories like his mommy did. Where was she. Mr. Carson walked over and took Davy’s hand. Davy pushed him away and demanded his mommy. Mr. Carson patiently explained that Claire was at school now but would be home for dinner.  Davy screamed, “Mommy, where are you? Mommy!”

Davy was ignoring Mr. Carson who was trying to calm him down. He was whispering to Davy that everything was alright. He was suggesting that Davy take a deep breath. Davy sometimes calmed down when Mr. Carson helped him like this but not today. He was too tired and too mad to calm down even though he loved Mr. Carson.

Where is my mommy? I want her. I need her.

Davy’s frustration had been building up all day. First, he could tell something was wrong when his mommy put him on the bus. She kept saying the same things over and over, “have a good day, have fun at school.”  Davy could tell something was wrong. Mommy’s voice didn’t sound right. He gave her a big hug to help her. She liked it and hugged him back. But he still felt uneasy when he got to school.

Then, he hadn’t been picked by the blue team on the playground. He didn’t want to play on the red team. His favorite color was blue, and his friend Marty was on the blue team. His teacher kept telling him “no” when he said he wanted to be on the blue team. When he didn’t listen, he ended up sitting in the “time-out chair” so he missed the game altogether.

Later, the teacher took the snack his mom made away from him because it had peanuts in it and some girl in class was allergic to nuts. The teacher gave him a bag of pretzels instead and they tasted good but not as good as his peanuts and Chex mix. This was his favorite snack at home and his mommy had made it for him special!

 

He did count all the way to ten later and got a ribbon for it on that was pinned to his shirt. He had been excited about taking it home but then it got all spattered and gooky during finger painting time, so he sadly threw it in the trash.  He almost started falling asleep on the bus but the kid next to him pinched him hard to wake him up and tell him to get off the bus. Davy told the bus driver about the pinch like his teacher told him to; this boy was pinching him every day on the bus. But, the driver didn’t tell the other boy he was not to do it again. Why had the teacher lied to him?

Davy stepped off the bus wanting a hug from his mommy. She would make the pain in his arm go away. But, she wasn’t waiting for him. Davy was so mad. He refused to walk down the street with Mr. Carson. He sat on the walkway and screamed for his mother. Mr. Carson was embarrassed but recognized the signs of a “too tired” Davy. He stood by patiently waiting for the temper tantrum to end. He looked around at the cars passing by, pretending he didn’t notice Davy was yelling and screaming.

Mr. Carson knew that Davy loved cars, so he was using a child management strategy called distraction. He was ignoring Davy but saying things he thought might grab his attention. “Oh, look that yellow car looks like a squashed bug. That black van is huge!  I bet you could fit ten kids in that backseat! Wow that car looks like your favorite color blue!”

That did it, Davy jumped up and said where? Mr. Carson pointed at it and Davy was smiling again. Now that the storm was over, Mr. Carson said, “you look tired, I am tired too.  Would you like a horsy ride home so Mrs. Carson can read us a story?” Davy almost jumped onto Mr. Carson’s back. All thoughts of Claire were gone. He was riding a horsy back home!

There are a lot of good resources out there for parents who want to learn methods for teaching children how to control themselves. Some that are based on research that shows they work even with children with serious behavior problems. One book is written by Alan Kazdin, Ph.D. and is called, “The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.” Check it out if you could use some more ideas for the children in your life.

By P. Berman, K. Hecht & A. Hosack

Please, please don’t call on me.  I don’t want my nightmare to come true!

Claire was sitting in the back row of her morning class feeling stupid and unprepared.  Just as always, she was two chapters ahead in the assigned reading and had studied hard. Somehow, that didn’t give her any confidence.  She had learned everything she knew about how to organize her time and break her assignments into manageable chunks from the Carsons. At dinner time, they would always ask her about what she was learning. Their praise of her hard work always made the effort feel so worthwhile. But… that was at dinner. By morning her anxiety was already building.  In the class room, she was just a stupid foster kid not a well- prepared student.

A miracle had been occurring at the end of each grading period -she had received all A’s and B’s.  The Carsons’ faces always lit up and they always said how proud they were of their great student.  She didn’t feel like a great student. She felt like a fraud and one day they would find out and …..she didn’t know what but it would be bad.

Claire tried to act like the Carsons when she taught Davy things. Right now, she was helping him learn to count to ten. Whenever he tried, she gave him a big smile. Whenever he got at least three right, she hugged him and twirled him around- this made him laugh and hug her tight. When she tucked him in bed at night, she read him a story, kissed him the cheek, and told him she loved him. He always gave her a sleepy smile and said he loved her too. It felt so good to hear him say this.

Why did she still feel so stupid and unlovable?

Her teacher walked in slowly looking around. Claire just stared into her lap. The teacher said good morning to everyone as usual- and looked so serious, as usual.  Sweat began to pour down Claire’s back – as usual. Maybe she didn’t read far enough ahead? She looked around. Everyone looked smarter than her. Was she going to start failing everything?

Stop, Stop, Stop…..

Why couldn’t these awful thoughts just disappear from her head. Oh no, all the other students were raising their hands. While she had been stuck in the “worry zone” the teacher must have asked a question.

Claire had lived with the Carsons for two years now and was learning her way through a different kind of world. In this world, her life with Davy and the Carsons was pulling her in the direction of love, hope, hard work, and many possible futures. But, the world she had grown up in with her parents and siblings was still pulling her in a direction full of fear, despair, and pain – where nothing she did mattered. The competition in her mind for which thoughts should guide her life often interfered with her concentration.

The Carsons have taught Claire that would succeed and become a dental hygienist. She just needed to work hard and not give up when things got tough. It was so hard for her to believe this, even as she was seeing the results on her report cards. She had so much anger and pain inside. Sometimes it just erupted out of control. One weekend at home she had thrown one of her books out the window. Then, she had to rush out in the rain to get it and do her best to dry it off.

Stupid foster kid, that was such a stupid foster kid thing to do.

Claire never told the Carsons about these thoughts. They were the most wonderful people in the world and she didn’t want to ever disappoint them. It made her feel guilty when they noticed her book was all wet, but she lied and said she had forgotten to zip her backpack closed and it had fallen out.

How could she lie to them? But, how could she tell them the truth?

Once and a while, Claire has thoughts that it is her hard work that brings her good grades and she has the right to feel proud of herself. Most of the time she just thinks this time with the Carsons is a dream that will end. She doesn’t really deserve to live a life without violence.

Claire is exhausted a lot because she is both working hard in school and trying to pay close attention to Davy. She has learned from Head Start that a “responsive parent” notices what is going on with her child. If Davy looks sad, she is supposed to “label” the feeling for him and give him ideas for how to get the sad feeling out and a happy feeling in. If Davy is tired, she is to do something to help him sleep like singing him songs or reading a book.

The U.S. Department of Education has a list of books that can be helpful for children’s Davy’s age. You can find them at:

www2.ed.gov/parents/earlychild/ready/preschool/preschool.pdf