By    A. Hysock, P. Berman, & K. Hecht 

 If I say yes, I can get out. I want out so bad. If I say no, I am trapped and lose my protection!

Larry should be excited. He could get early parole.  But he wasn’t excited. He was feeling smashed down, controlled, no choice visible anywhere. Martin was trying to reassure him that it was going to be okay. Sure, Larry couldn’t go home but he would get out of prison!

The gang leader that was watching out for Larry in prison was part of a large drug cartel that had a base I several major northeast cities; it needed some new dealers in Philadelphia. This cartel would front the money for an attorney to go with Larry to his parole hearing and “make sure” he made parole. The good part of the deal was that Martin would be sent with him to teach him the trade.  The bad part was that he was being sent about four hours away from Claire and he didn’t want to sell drugs. Sure, he

had spread some packets around in jail, but once he got out, he had hoped to maybe get a job with a future, something he wouldn’t be ashamed to tell Claire and Davy about.

It had taken a long time but with Manuel’s help, he had finished the book about relationships. He understood enough of what he read to know that in relationships that lasted, couples respected each other’s choices; even when they didn’t agree. Larry knew that selling drugs would not be an occupation Claire or those Carsons would approve of. Larry didn’t even like giving out drugs in the jail, even though he didn’t have the “bad” job of dealing with the guys who didn’t pay up… but he saw how the men who were regular users deteriorated; it made him feel like his dad to give guys things that were destroying them from the inside out.

Larry hated his father. He realized that someday Davy would be old enough to wonder what type of dad he was; Larry didn’t want to be hated. He was going to services sometimes with Manuel. He didn’t really believe there was a God. The service talked about God being all powerful and loving everyone, it was impossible to believe that. Where was this all powerful being who loved him when Larry’s dad was beating the skin off his back?  On the other hand, Larry did like Manuel and he did feel calm around him and at the services; calm felt good to Larry.

Martin had been a good friend to Larry, and he came to the religious services sometimes also; but he was always handing out drug packets to the guys at the service in the back rows. Martin didn’t get why Larry wasn’t happy about the parole thing. He knew Philadelphia was far from where Claire was living but so what? He could just tell Claire to move herself to where he was. It would take a few months, but Larry should be pulling in enough money as a dealer, to put himself and his family in a decent apartment.

Larry was used to keeping all his thoughts and feelings to himself. It was dangerous around his house to show any emotion at all. Claire had been Larry’s only friend for most of his life; he had shared more with her than anyone else- but still she knew little of what he was thinking and feeling. Now he had two more friends, Martin and Manuel but they were encouraging him towards very different paths.

What should Larry do?

The U.S. Sentencing Commission has found that most individuals in jail for drug dealing, are low-level street dealers and others who move drugs from one location to another. Putting them in jail has little impact on the drug trade. As is being seen in Larry’s case, when a dealer or mule is taken off the streets, a new person is sent to replace them. According to the Pew Charitable Trust (2018), 10% or more people in the USA report having used an illegal drug recently. Pew found no relationship between a state’s drug imprisonment rate and the state’s drug problems. Recommendations for more effective reduction of drug misuse included: police interference in trafficking of drugs; police interference in the development of new markets for drugs; alternate sentencing for non-violence offenders; drug treatment services; and, services for prevention of drug use. A combination of psychosocial treatment and medication were recommended for reduction of drug misuse. To read about this  go to:

https://www.pewtrusts.org/en/research-and-analysis/issue-briefs/2018/03/more-imprisonment-does-not-reduce-state-drug-problems

By P. Berman, K. Hecht, & A. Hysock 

I must protect Davy, the Carsons, myself? Do I have to give Larry up? 

Claire came out of her own head to hear Mrs. Carson say, “Larry will come home from prison and hurt Claire and Davy again, maybe even worse than before.” Back to the reality that the Carsons had no hope for Larry; Claire slumped even deeper into her chair, her face white, and her legs trembling.   

“Claire, you look like you are overdosing right now, hearing the Carsons fears of Larry. You mentioned a few weeks back that Larry was more than the bad things he did to you and Davy on your last date. You have told us that Larry was your best friend and he was the one person in your childhood who protected you.” “Yes, he was,” Claire whispered. 

“Could you tell us more about that,” Dr. Berman asked. (2-minute pause) Claire wanted this change in direction but what should she say? Everyone was silent, expectant, waiting for her- there seemed to be an endless pause.  Claire looked desperately at Dr. Berman. “Take your time,” Dr. Berman whispered, “there is no need to rush, you have time, we are here to listen.” 

Larry had helped her so many times, but Claire discarded most of her memories as being too painful for the Carsons to hear.  But there must be something that wouldn’t overwhelm them… Claire remembered something small but clearly good. She looked up and said, “I wanted to find something that would help you understand the deep link between Larry and me. The first time I met Larry, I was in so much trouble, trying to defend myself but losing big time. I was in the bathroom hallway at school trying to get to the girls’ bathroom and two boys jumped me. One held me down while the other was 

trying to get my  pants off. I wanted to scream but no sound came out. Larry came out of the boys, bathroom room and saw what they were doing. He could have just walked by. He didn’t. He looked into my eyes; it was love at first sight. He began punching and the next thing I remembered, his warm hands were pulling my pants back on and he was helping me stand up.”  

Claire had a small smile on her face as she remembered the moment. Then she looked around, and no one else was smiling.  

I have done something wrong. I was sure this was the right story. Why aren’t they smiling? 

“Claire, how terrified you must have been,” Dr. Berman said, “it is confusing to me that you can talk about something that must have been traumatic (pause) and be smiling.” (2-minute pause) “I don’t know. I wasn’t really thinking about those boys attacking me. For me, the story is how Larry became my hero,” Claire said softly. 

Mrs. Carson was still thinking about the assault, “how could this have happened at school?”  Surprised that they were still thinking about the other boys instead of Larry, Claire said, “Well, getting sexually harassed was an everyday thing at my school. I had seen those boys before, but they hadn’t ever tried to talk to me. (1-minute pause) They might have picked me because they knew I didn’t have friends and would be walking down the hall by myself?”  

“Did you tell a teacher what had happened? Did the police arrest those boys,” Mr. Carson asked, feeling outraged that his daughter had been attacked at school. “No, (pause) it didn’t occur to me to tell a teacher. I guess my body was being hit all the time at home, I didn’t think it was that odd I was getting attacked at school.” Mrs. Carson was crying, Mr. Carson automatically handed her the tissue box. 

“I am so sorry I upset you both. I didn’t mean to. I just wanted you to understand Larry better. Can you both see now, why Larry means so much to me?” Claire asked. Mr. Carson looked at his wife who was now crying heavily. He said, “Larry was a hero that day Claire. (I-minute pause) He came along and protected you when you really needed it. (2-minute pause) It is hard for me to say, but I am glad he was there that day.” Claire smiled at Mr. Carson, “thank you for saying that, it means so much to me.” 

Dr. Berman asked, “You talked about attempted rape as standard harassment at your school. (pause) Do you think teachers might have helped you if they had known what happened?” Mrs. Carson interrupted anxiously, “If this had happened to me, I know I could have gotten help. (1-minute pause) What was wrong with that school?  

Claire had liked her school. She didn’t think anything was wrong with it; it was just a typical school. Sure, she had been lonely, and sometimes bullied and harassed, but that was because she was one of those poor kids, the rejects of the school. No one really cared about this type of kid. “I always just thought of school as a good place for learning things. My teachers were nice to me in the classroom. (2-minute pause) But, they were never around outside of class. I mean they were never in the hallways or the lunchroom, or outside of school when we came and left. I guess I never considered it their job to watch out for me outside of class,” Claire said. 

“Of course it is their job to keep you safe Claire,” Mr. Carson spit out, “All adults are supposed to keep kids safe.” Claire looked back and forth between the two Carsons. “Maybe if I had been one of the popular kids, the teachers might have helped out,” Claire said slowly, “but I don’t know, they always seemed to rush from the building to their cars to go home.” 

“Claire, we have spent some time together talking about your parents, and how they didn’t know a thing about how to raise kids. One result of their neglect is that you didn’t recognize how much other adults, like your teachers also let you down. (2-minute pause) They didn’t recognize all your bumps and bruises as abuse.  They should have reported your parents to someone like Ms. Alexandra. They should have seen you were being bullied and harassed and tried to stop it.”  

Claire sighed, “I know you really believe that Dr. Berman. But, why should a teacher do all that much for me? Really, I am just not the kind of person that is worth the effort. (pause) I have told you before that I just believe the Carsons are my personal miracle- I know they care about me even though I don’t deserve it.”  

Mrs. Carson was calm again, with Mr. Carson’s arm around her. She emphatically declared, “Claire, you are not a waste of space. You never were; no matter how many times your mom said it. That school betrayed your trust. The staff and teachers should have made it a safe place!” Dr. Berman was nodding and said, “when you go to a place that is supposed to be safe, like school, and the authorities don’t keep it safe, this is institutional betrayal.” 

Professor and author Jennifer J. Freyd, Ph.D.  first used the term “institutional betrayal” to discuss the harm caused to someone either because an institution did not set up a structure that would protect people from being victimized or did not take steps, after someone like Claire had been hurt, to properly investigate and take active steps to help the victim and prevent further victimizations. When schools don’t keep their hallways safe from different types of assault and harm to students, when the Church doesn’t protect altar boys from sexual abuse by Priests, when the police keep some neighborhoods safer than others, these are all examples of institutional betrayal. To prevent institutional betrayal, we all need to understand what it means and take proactive steps when necessary to make institutions develop new policies, procedures, and take actions to truly “serve and protect”. Consider learning more as a personal advocacy step by reading: 

https://theconversation.com/when-sexual-assault-victims-speak-out-their-institutions-often-betray-them-87050 

 

By   A. Hosack, P. Berman & K. Hecht 

We are going to be talking about Larry again. Can I tell them everything? Can I let myself remember it all? 

Claire knew this session was going to be hard like the last one. There would be so much pain in the room. Not the physical kind she had learned to endure as a child. The inside emotional kind of pain that she was still learning to recognize and reflect on. It was so hard to consider everyone’s welfare at the same time. She wanted Larry in her life so much but what about Larry’s impact on Davy? What about his impact on the Carsons? She was part of a family now and she finally knew what this meant. Whatever she did, it affected everyone else. Could Larry learn to think this way? To consider everyone and not just himself? 

The session stared red hot. Mrs. Carson started with, “Claire, I just can’t stop thinking about it myself and I don’t know the answer, but maybe you do. Does Larry care about Davy, really care about him. I am afraid he only mentioned Davy in his letter in order to get on your good side.” Did Larry mean it when he praised Davy in the letter? That part hadn’t really sounded like Larry. Claire had been wondering a lot about whether the letter had been Larry’s idea at all; he had always hated to write anything. 

Larry never wanted to be a father. He told me that over and over. Could he have changed his mind? 

Claire let out a huge sigh and looked at Mrs. Carson. “I want him to care so much Mrs. Carson. I do,” Claire said, “all I really know is that Larry got very mad at me when I told him I was pregnant. He ignored me most of the time after that and didn’t come to the hospital when Davy was born. I don’t know if he even knew when I was in the hospital. (1-minute pause) But, he must have been investigating what was going on because he suddenly showed up at the Carsons. He had to have done a lot of work to find me because I know Ms. Alexandra would never have told anyone.” 

“He worked hard to find you.  (1-minute pause) What about Davy?” Dr. Berman asked Claire. “He came to get me, but he took Davy along with us when I showed up at the door with him. He didn’t tell Davy that he was his dad. He seemed to be ignoring Davy most of the time.  He hit me because I was talking about Davy and this made him angry. (2-minute silence) Couldn’t he be thinking now, that he is in prison, that he made a mistake not wanting us to be a family?”  

Dr. Berman asked, “Are there any signs, that this might be true?” (2-minute silence) “I might have believed he was interested, if instead of ending his letter with how hot Claire was, he had said something like, tell Davy I love him,” Mr. Carson said while looking intently at Claire. She nodded, “yes, that would have been good. Even if he had asked me a question about Davy.” (2-minute silence) Claire sobbed, “Couldn’t he be really missing me but still wondering how he feels about Davy? He did mentioned Davy in a nice way in the letter,” Claire said looking hopelessly at Mrs. Carson.  

Mr. Carson was shaking his head back and forth, “Claire, when I first heard I was about to be a father, I was scared about whether I was ready, but I was so excited. I would have thrown myself in front of a bus to protect Mrs. Carson when she was pregnant. When the kids arrived, I fell in love with each one the first time I held them; each one was another miracle in my life. You and Davy are miracles in my life. Is that what you mean to Larry?

Claire was remembering her Davy as a baby; tears began coursing down her face. Mrs. Carson had moved her chair so she could pat Claire’s hand, “I want you to find someone like Mr. Carson. Someone you can develop a history with, but not a history that includes him hitting you or yelling and shoving Davy.” Mr. Carson took a deep breath and said, “When I heard you read that letter from Larry, I became so angry I could barely contain myself. His last words were that you were so hot. He didn’t say he was sorry he hit you. He didn’t say he was sorry he scared Davy. There was no sign in that letter he realized he deserved to be in prison.” Mr. Carson looked so angry, Claire was startled and disturbed. Her Mr. Carson was such a mild tempered person. He didn’t look like himself. 

This is all my fault. I am hurting Mr. Carson. He has a heart condition- what if he dies because I have caused him so much stress! 

“Your right Mr. Carson. He didn’t say he was sorry. I don’t know if he ever has said this to anyone in his life.” Claire said tearfully, “he had parents like mine. He didn’t have a father who considered him a miracle. He didn’t have a father who helped him learn what was the right way to be a man, like you are helping Davy.” 

Mr. Carson could take a personal advocacy step and learn more about men like Larry. There are many ways people from the community can decrease the likelihood that men in prison will re-offend once they are released. For example, Mr. Carson could help men pass the high school equivalency test so when they are released, they have a better chance of getting a job. Every state has their own website for investigating volunteer opportunities in prisons. In Pennsylvania the site is: 

https://www.cor.pa.gov/How%20Do%20I/Pages/Become-a-Volunteer.aspx 

By  K. Hecht,  A. & Hosack P. Berman, 

The Carsons remember how afraid Davy was of Larry. Why did I forget that? Why do I want Larry in my life so badly?  

Claire didn’t understand herself. But she was trying. The Carsons found the black eye Larry gave her so unforgiveable. She had seen her dad beat her mother; she hadn’t thought of her black eye as that big a deal. She had only testified against Larry because, at the time, she had realized how much he could jeopardize Davy’s safety. But, couldn’t he have realized now that he had to change? 

I forgot about Davy’s nightmares. I forgot about my black eye. What else have I forgot? 

Larry seemed safe to her. Maybe it was because her dad had been so much more violent. There were a few times in the basement, when Claire had wondered if she would bleed to death, alone in the dark. The black eye had upset them so much, she had never admitted to the Carsons that Larry hitting her was something that just happened every once and a while. He had never broken any of her bones. She had never needed to go to the hospital. So, he wasn’t really that dangerous right? 

At the end of the last appointment, Claire had asked Dr. Berman some questions. “Dr. Berman, honestly, do you think Larry could become a safe father- someone who would help Davy grow up to be a good man like Mr. Carson?” Dr. Berman hadn’t said yes but she hadn’t said no, “Larry has a lot of choices to make in his life Claire. He could choose to work hard to learn how to control his emotions and be angry, without harming anyone. He could choose to learn about child development and healthy parenting. It wouldn’t be easy. It would take consistent hard work.  Do you think Larry would want to do that?” (2-minute silence)  

Claire’s mind had gone blank. Dr. Berman asked her to just think about her own questions and what she thought the answer might be. They would all listen to what she thought at the next appointment. The Carsons have really helped Claire keep Davy safe. She liked it that Davy felt safe all the time.  As she reflected on her own questions about Larry. She realized just how different a life Davy had as he grew up in the Carsons’ house. He was always warm. Everything in the house always worked- no refrigerator meltdowns where all the food rotted. When she had been struggling to raise Davy, the Carsons, rather than punishing Davy, had helped Claire learn more about child development so she could be more effective as a mother.  Her Davy just expected to feel safe all the time– even when he was being punished. 

Larry had learned something in prison, but she didn’t know what. She knew he had learned something because he had mentioned Davy in the letter. He had even said something good about her as a mom. But, her Davy could be a handful. He has lots of silly ideas that can get him into trouble. One morning, she had woken up to find Davy sitting on her stomach and making goofy faces…. 

Claire had screamed so loud both Carsons had come running. Mr. Carson grabbed Davy who was laughing at how loud she had screamed. Claire realized from the look on the Carsons faces that they were trying not to laugh. She realized she should be laughing but she felt so angry at Davy. She asked them to take him down stairs so she could practice her mommy exercises; that was the code she used to let them know she had to regain her own self-control. She was getting good at recognizing her emotions now but calming down her anger- in particular- was still hard. Without the Carsons, Claire knew she would have lost control and punished Davy when he wasn’t intending any harm.  

What would Larry have done, if Davy had made goofy faces at him as he was waking up in the morning? 

There are many anger management strategies Larry could learn if he wanted to and could get enough help. If you know of anyone who needs help, accepting anger as a human emotion, and learning how to avoid doing destructive things when angry this website might help: 

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-anger-iceberg/ 

 

 

By P. Berman, K. Hecht & A. Hosack

I have a job. I really have a job. It is not one of my dreams. It is real. I start today!

Claire is starting work today. Unlike her literally “dream job,” her real job is not in the same office as Shelly. However, it is in a beautiful building that also has a small coffee shop inside so that she can eat out to lunch sometimes on special occasions. She has practiced going there on the bus twice and knows where to stand for the bus, the schedule that it follows, and knows how she will spend the twenty minutes she will have between work being over, and the bus arriving; she is going to bring a book and read it in the pretty entrance way of her building. 

Claire had gained self-confidence from this practice. It was strange, whether it was studying math in high school, practicing spelling dental terms at hygienist school, or learning to find her way around on the bus, practice always made her recognize when she did and did not understand something. She was trying to help Davy see the benefits to practice. Right now, he was getting easily frustrated by trying to learn to tie his shoe laces. She reminded him it was hard- and that was why he needed to practice. He had learned the first step yesterday, of making a cross with his laces, but he still got confused after that step. When she smiled and said, “don’t give up my Davy,” he had the urge to remove his shoes and throw them at her.

Claire noticed the red face and tight lips. “I can see that my smiling and telling you not to give up, has made you. It is okay to be mad at me but…” “It isn’t okay for me to throw my shoes at my mommy!” Davy interrupted with a laugh; Claire laughed with him.

Stop daydreaming Claire and get off the bus!

Claire woke up from her morning reverie in time to get off the bus on time before she missed her stop. As she stepped onto the curb, she began to feel nervous. But she was prepared. She walked carefully across the street, reminder herself that she was going to have her own cubicle and she had brought a picture of her family and one of Davy’s special pictures, to decorate her own space with it; for a start, it was exciting to think about what other things she might add as she got used to working full-time. My own space. That sounded good even inside her head. Claire walked into the front office of the dentist and introduced herself to the receptionist saying she was the new hygienist. The receptionist brought her inside the inner offices door and took her to Dr. Myers office.

Dr. Myer looked up at her as she walked in the door, “Welcome Claire, I am so glad you are starting today. We unfortunately have an emergency. My other hygienist, Martha, has called in sick. I was planning for you to shadow her today, but I guess it is trial by fire and you will be assisting me as well as having some of your own appointments today.” “I am sorry to hear that Martha is sick. I will help out anyway I can,” Claire said, smiling although her nervousness had now doubled.

Claire started out helping the Dr. Myers. This gave her the chance to review, where all the dental tools were kept and all the details that she wanted kept in the dental records. Unlike the male dentist Claire had worked with during her practice sessions, Dr. Myers spent quite a bit of time talking with her patient before starting the procedures.

Claire was in luck- her first appointment alone was with a very nervous older man who had always had some fears of dental procedures. Claire used the same patience with him, that she used with children. He was happily telling her stories as she led him out, after the procedure. As they were passing Dr. Myers he told her that Claire was a jewel; Claire blushed but she did notice that Dr. Myers smiled at her and at the patient.

At lunch time, Claire felt very alone. This office was smaller than her

“dream one” and there was no group of people having lunch together. She took her bag lunch out of the building and looked uncertainly around. Before she had a chance to feel any panic, like in high school, about eating alone, she noticed a small park on the other side of the office building. She sat down on a bench and slowly savored her sandwich, reviewing everything she had learned about Dr. Myers’ office so far. She hoped that someday she and Martha could eat together; she had gotten use to talking with the Carsons while enjoying a meal.

Claire noticed it was almost time for lunch to end. She threw her trash away and walked briskly back into the building. Claire is alone right now, but she isn’t feeling that terrible isolation alone she had for some many years before meeting Larry. She knew when she got home, Davy and the Carsons would want to hear all about her day.

Chronic and devastating loneliness is a problem that Claire used to have. Larry learned early on that the best way to make Claire do what he wanted, was to avoid her for a few days so she would return to that terrible lonely state. Loneliness affects many more people than you would expect because research in the United Kingdom indicates that more than 75% of general practitioners indicated seeing 1-5 patients a day whose only reason for being in their office was loneliness. In addition, there appears to be stigma to telling others about feeling lonely with 56% of British adults indicating that admitting loneliness to others was difficult. As a result of this data, the British now have the first Minister of Loneliness in the world. To read about it, go to: https://www.citylab.com/equity/2018/01/britain-minister-of-loneliness-teresa-may/550757/

Do you think there might be policies at your workplace or where you live that increase the likelihood of loneliness? Consider taking information from the British newspaper article above, or some article like that published in the USA or other country that you find for yourself and write a one paragraph editorial for your local newspaper, encouraging friendliness towards others.

Tips for writing effective letters can be found at: https://ctb.ku.edu/en/table-of-contents/advocacy/direct-action/letters-to-editor/main

 

By     A. Hosack, P. Berman & K. Hecht

 

If I share this with Dr. Berman it will help, if I share this it will help, if I share this it will help! Please…

Shelly is watching Davy so that Claire and the Carsons can go to see Dr. Berman together. The three of them were going try and talk about Larry. Claire also wanted to reassure them that she wasn’t hiding anything from them anymore. She hoped meeting with Dr. Berman would make that white strained look disappear from the Carsons’ faces.

Dr. Berman had agreed to a family session without asking Claire why; Claire was grateful to avoid questioning. She didn’t know how she was going to bring up Larry. She needed more time to think it through; it was too late. She heard Dr. Berman call her name. Claire looked up and saw the Carsons were already standing next to Dr. Berman, waiting for her. She jumped up and they walked together into the consultation room.

I better just spit it out. Say it. Not worry about the words. Get it out. Get it out. Open your mouth…

The words flooded out. “Dr. Berman, I have been writing to Larry since he was first sent to prison. I didn’t tell anyone about it.  I knew the Carsons consider Larry all bad and would be against me writing him.  If they had tried to stop me, I don’t know what would happen so I just …avoiding it by not telling them (2 minute-silence). Larry did hurt me many times and Davy. But he isn’t all bad. I need everyone’s help figuring out what to do now that Larry has written me back.”

Dr. Berman notices that the Carsons are looking down in their laps. They appear shrunken somehow, not the strong foster parents she knew they were. They had an empty look that was hard to describe.  It might help if she started the conversation. “Claire, I appreciate you telling me this now (pause). I know it must be taking a lot of courage for you to tell me because you knew I would be shocked to hear it.”

The Carsons heads came up and they were both looking at Dr. Berman; so, Claire hadn’t told her either. Dr. Berman caught Mrs. Carson’s gaze and asked, “What was your reaction to the news?”  (1-minute pause) “Mrs. Carson, I see that your face is white, and you have begun wringing your hands. (pause) You don’t have to rush but can you tell us about your reaction to what Claire has been doing?”

It began to come out. “I am just feeling terrified and helpless. I am so afraid of what Larry might do to Claire and Davy when he gets out of prison. She testified against him in court. He was furious and he has already hurt her so badly-physically and emotionally. Claire,” she said, looking directly in her foster-daughter’s eyes, “Larry hit you so hard last time half of your face turned black and blue; his punch hurt your eye and gave you migraines.”

Mr. Carson took Mrs. Carson’s hand and squeezed it. He then said, “He didn’t just hurt you Claire. He attacked you in front of Davy. Do you remember the nightmares Davy had for a week?” Claire was crying but saying that Davy probably had forgotten all about that now.  Dr. Berman handed her the tissue box before saying to the Carsons, “You both have many painful memories of what Larry did to Claire.”

Mrs. Carson said, “Claire, you’re right. Davy isn’t having nightmares any more but more bad things could happen later. He saw a grown man losing all emotional control and going from someone who was supposed to care for his mom to someone who was hurting her. (1-minute pause) We are all trying to help Davy learn self-control. What will he think if he sees us welcoming Larry, who he sees has none?”

“It just happened once!” Claire moaned. Dr. Berman said, “It happened once, so far…that’s what the Carsons are worried about. What did you say Davy tried to do when Larry attacked You?” (1-minute pause) Claire said slowly, “He tried to get between me, and Larry and Larry shoved him away.” “It was emotionally abusive for Davy to watch his mother being harmed,” Dr. Berman said, “how might Davy act if he sees Larry again and you are excited Larry has shown up?” (2-minute pause)

“Claire, how do you feel right now as I mention that your mother called you a waste of space?” Dr. Berman asked. Claire turned white at these words. “Claire, you just showed in your body the pain your mother caused, from emotional abuse. Even though it doesn’t leave physical marks, don’t underestimate the harm that it can cause.”

The American Psychological Association calls emotional abuse the “unseen wounds.” It has been found to cause many types of emotional disturbance in adulthood. To read more about it go to:   https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2014/10/psychological-abuse

By    K. Hecht, A. Hosack, & P. Berman

The Carsons haven’t said a word about Larry’s letter. But they look so sad. I have hurt them.

Claire is lying in bed trying to relax. After their ice cream, the Carsons had kissed Claire on the cheek like they always did, before going to their bedroom. But something had changed…for the worse. How could they have aged just to hear that she had kept in touch with Larry. They didn’t act angry at her. They didn’t tell her she was wrong. They just looked drained. Somehow as they walked away, they seemed to disappear more slowly into their room, as if each step for them was difficult to take.

It was proving very hard to fall asleep- Claire’s mind was so full of regret. After about twenty minutes, Claire remembered she didn’t just have to lay there not falling asleep. She got up and went to her diary where she kept track of her good and bad thoughts. She wrote down all her feelings of regret. She wrote down all the reasons why she had hidden her letters from the Carsons. She would show both lists to Dr. Berman and they would work together to find a solution. They would figure it out. They had too…

Claire went back to bed, fell asleep saying to herself, “I did the best I could at the time. It is over. New times are coming.” Claire fell into a deep sleep. She dreamed of next year when she would have figured everything out. In the dream she was bringing Davy to the front porch of the house and watching him walk confidently away to pick up the bus; he had said at breakfast that he was big now and didn’t need her to walk him to the bus stop. She stood there with pride, watching him until he got on the bus. He turned around, trusting she would be there, and waved. She waved back and then shut the door and went into the kitchen.

Mrs. Carson is there smiling. She is handing Claire her own packed lunch. Claire is working at the same dental office as Shelly. She is so happy there and earning enough money to really help the Carsons. They had been struggling financially since Mr. Carson fell off a ladder and hurt his leg. Now, he needed to hire other people to clean his gutters and do the lawn care and such. Claire has been able to give them half her pay check and this has more than taken care of all these expenses. The Carsons are so proud of Claire that she can help them now, when they need it.

Shelly is honking the horn of her car. Claire gives Mrs. Carson a hug and promises to go out during her lunch hour and bring back something special for tonight’s dessert. Mr. Carson needs cheering up- he is going to have to pay someone to fix the back porch today; his leg just doesn’t bend well enough for this type of work anymore- he hates having to depend on others for things he used to do himself.

Davy has been making them all so proud. Starting right after the accident, he spontaneously began helping Mr. Carson get dressed and undressed in the morning. He was standing there, ready to get the clothes Mr. Carson requested he take out of his dresser drawers first thing in the morning. He then waiting patiently for Mr. Carson to change and took all his dirty linen and placed them in the bathroom laundry basket. The first time he did this, Davy said to Mr. Carson, “we men have to stick together.”

At work, Claire walks confidently to her cubicle and looks around – remembering her first day. She had been so scared. Shelly had introduced her to everyone, and they had smiled at her; but still she was so nervous, still afraid she would be a waste of space in the office. She wanted so much to prove her worth. Everything went smoothly in the morning and she was even praised by the Dentist for her ability to get a squirmy five- year- old to let her clean his teeth.

During lunch, everyone would sit together in a big room the Dentist had for a copying machine, refrigerator, sink, and large round table. They would sit together and share stories about their kids and families.  Her first day, Claire was nervous, but Shelly encouraged her to tell a funny story from the weekend before when their kids had played together. This made Claire feel part of the group- just for a while. After lunch, she went back to her desk to complete her paperwork, she felt bad to see how empty her cubicle was and how well decorated everyone else’s were; they had pictures of their families and all sorts of small decorations making their own spaces unique.

Claire went over to Shelly’s area, briefly feeling jealous that it was so beautifully done. Then, she became her own advocate. She felt bad her cubicle was empty, so she took a step to do something about it. She asked Shelly if she would take some pictures of her with Davy and the Carsons. Shelly loved the idea and the next weekend and taken all sorts of fun shots of them all sitting around the kitchen table, eating ice cream, and the grand finale- Claire and Davy jumping off the last step of the staircase.

Claire’s cubicle was now just as full of pictures as everyone else’s was. She also had a special picture Davy had painted for her as a Mother’s Day gift. Claire looked at all these special things whenever she felt stressed at work. Still at lunch, hearing about other people’s families, she still felt different from everyone – but she still fit in which was a big step for her. No one knew Claire was a foster kid. She hadn’t told anyone, and Shelly knew she wanted it kept private.

What would they think? Would they still like her? Would they still want their kids to play with Davy?

It was the anxiety these thoughts brought up that woke Claire up. No. She wanted to climb back into that dream. She wanted everything going well with Davy and the Carsons. She wanted that dream to be real. Suddenly Davy burst into the room with a smile, “wake up mommy it is time for me to get dressed.” At least this part was not a dream. She smiled down at her darling Davy and kissed him on the top of the head. He pulled her out of bed, and they got into their morning routine.

When they came down the stairs, the Carsons were sitting quietly at breakfast. “Why aren’t you talking?” Davy said. Mrs. Carson’s face got red. “It’s okay Davy,” the Carsons are helping me figure out a problem. It’s a big one so I am going to have Dr. Berman help me with it too.” “You are,” Mrs. Carson said quietly. Claire kissed her on the cheek and said, “yes, what you both told me yesterday is true. I can’t jump to any conclusions about that letter. The two of you don’t have to worry anymore; you can even open all my mail from now on if it will make you feel more secure that there are no more secrets.” “I’ll read your mail mommy!” (stunned pause) “I am sure you will someday Davy,” Claire said. Everyone laughed together and felt better.

Have you ever noticed that laughing can make you feel better, even when your situation is serious? To read more about the benefits of laughter consider reading the article below.

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/cultural-psychiatry/laughter-best-medicine

 

 

By   P. Berman & K. Hecht & A. Hosack

He wrote me! He hates to write! Has he finally forgiven me? Are my dreams coming true?

Claire was walking on a cloud of white, she saw Larry ahead of her with his arms opened. She walked into his arms and he wrapped his arms around her. Larry whispered in her ear but then…. the daydream ended. Claire looked down at her letter- still unopened. She wanted to believe, just for another few minutes, that Larry had changed, he wanted to marry her, they could raise Davy together and be a real family.

These daydreams had started in High school. The girls’ bathrooms were gossip central. Claire had often hidden in a stall and listened in while other girls- girls who had friends- talked about their boyfriends. The gossip always included talk about the future. These girls always seemed so sure they would have a safe home. They would get married. They would have children. Claire had never had this certainty.

Once Claire met Larry, her daydreams always involved their living together forever as husband and wife. Their marriage would not be like her parents- no lifelong blood bath. Sometimes, Claire would watch a romantic movie with Mrs. Carson. No matter how strange the situation the girl found herself in, whether it was real danger or sometime of silly nonsense, the beloved guy was able to fix everything. Then, he would marry the girl, take over responsibility for financially supporting her, giving her a safe home, and loving her and their children forever; her problems were solved for life.

Larry never promised me any of these things. He hated marriage- he had told me that often enough. But, he could have changed his mind.

It was so hard to open the letter. What was inside had to be a big deal because Larry wouldn’t just write- something must be up. Second, Mrs. Carson saw the letter first. Claire knew she was now going to have to come clean and tell the Carsons she had been sending Larry letters for months. What would they say? Would they be furious? Sad? Disappointed? Claire hated the idea that they might be disappointed with her.

Claire looked down at the letter again and sighed; maybe her turn to ”live the fantasy” was coming?

“Hey mom, what are you thinking about?” Claire woke up abruptly and saw her sweet, real boy standing in front of her. He was only half dressed for bed. “Davy, I am so proud of you. You have your shirt and pants off but…. your bedtime story doesn’t start until your pajamas are on! Your goofy one,” Claire said with a laugh. Davy loved being called a goofy one; his mom always gave him a few tickles whenever she used this name for him. Davy rushed back to his chest of drawers, took out his pajamas and put them on.

Claire took her letter from Larry- still in the envelope- and placed it on her dresser top. It was hard but she would wait to read it till after Davy was in bed a sleep. That way, whether the letter had good news or bad, it wouldn’t hurt her Davy.  Davy had scooted into his bed. Claire picked up the book with the beautiful Monarch butterfly on the front that was laying on the nightstand and began to read. (10- minutes later)   “Goodnight butterfly!” Claire said, as she finished reading his “new” favorite book for the third time. Davy was gently breathing, eye. Claire walked quietly out of the room.

Down in the living room, the Carsons were waiting. They often chatted or played a game together once Davy was a sleep. This time, Claire put her letter down on the table between them. The Carsons looked at her quietly. “I need to tell you something before I open this letter”, Claire looked at each one of them and sighed. “I have been writing letters to Larry since that day in court. I know what you think of him. I agree that he was dangerous to me and Davy. But he was also my one and only friend. I am sorry I hid it from you that I have been writing to him. This is his first letter to me.”

Claire could see a look of shock on both their faces. She sighed again and then opened the envelope and began to read it silently to herself. Suddenly, she jumped up and kissed Mr. And Mrs. Carson on the cheek. “You will never believe this! Larry is finally learning to love Davy! Look at what he says here!” Claire was pointing to the words Larry had written, “the kid looks great in the picture. You must be feeding him good. It’s good he can count to 20. That sounds high for such a small kid. You’re a good mom.”

Mrs. Carson felt even more anxious than when she first found the letter. Claire was being snowed over by that Larry again. All he had to say was a few easy words and Claire was ecstatic; maybe, she should have made herself throw his letter away. Mr. Carson was worried too. He said to Claire, “how would you know if Larry meant what he was saying or not?” (3-minute pause).

Mr. Carson doesn’t trust Larry. He doesn’t think the letter means Larry has changed. But he doesn’t know how hard it was for Larry to write; I do.

“I don’t know if he is telling the truth or not. I do know that he wanted to get  in touch with me badly. I had to help him with all his writing assignments at school. It must have been hard for him to say all these things. (2-minute pause) But, nothing is spelled wrong so someone must have been helping him write it. (deep sigh) I guess I am taking a lot for granted here.” Tears slowly coursed down Claire’s face. “I just so want to have a family to bring Davy up in, like you gave your children.”

“We can understand that Claire. We aren’t trying to make you unhappy when we ask questions about Larry,” Mrs. Carson said gently. “We just want you to be cautious. We wanted our kids to be cautious too. We are afraid of Larry because of how he treated you before and the way he acted in court.”

Claire was so touched to think the Carsons might be treating her the same way they had treated their own children. “You worried about whether your own kids were picking the right partners?” Claire asked. The Carsons both nodded. (2-minute pause) “What you say makes sense. Larry did threaten me many times and he did hit me many times. I know that he can be dangerous to me and Davy if he doesn’t change. (I-minute pause) Is it wrong that I still hope Larry can change?”

“How could it be wrong to believe it’s possible?” Mr. Carson said, “What worries me is, Larry hasn’t been going to therapy to learn to be different. He has been in jail for assault. People usually come out of jail more dangerous than they went in. This is wrong, jail shouldn’t be like that. But, right now this is how it is. You and Davy are too important to have any of us trust Larry too soon.” Claire sighed, “Yes, I need to be cautious for Davy’s sake.”

Claire went in to the kitchen to start getting everyone a dish of ice cream; she had bought fudge ripple with raspberry this time. As they sat slowly eating their treat, Mrs. Carson said, “We will figure this out together Claire. We will be cautious but be open to the possibility that Larry is trying to change. We can hope that he is trying to become a better father to Davy and partner for you.”

If Larry had married a pregnant Claire, rather than her ending up in foster care, life would have been very different for all of them. The only way Larry and Claire had seen spouses treat each other was through emotional and physical abuse. Whatever they might have planned, they would have been likely to fall into the patterns their parents set because they didn’t know how to be any different. This negative learning isn’t set in stone. Besides learning from their own parents, Claire and Larry could have learned about healthy relationships at school, in religious training, through observing healthy marriages around them, through media and books and so forth.

Do you think Claire and Larry should marry some day?

There are treatments that have been found effective in working with highly troubled couples. One, is described in the edited book: O’Farrell TJ. A behavioral marital therapy couples group program for alcoholics and their wives. In: O’Farrell TJ, editor. Marital and family therapy in alcoholism treatment. NY: Guilford; 1993. pp. 170–209.

Another approach that focuses specifically on trauma is called Cognitive-Behavioral Conjoint Therapy for Posttraumatic Stress disorder. This approach has been found to reduce symptoms of PTSD and increase marital satisfaction in couples. This approach is described in Monson CM, Fredman SJ. Cognitive-Behavioral Conjoint Therapy for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: Harnessing the Healing Power of Relationships. New York, NY: Guilford; 2012.

By    A. Hosack, P. Berman & K. Hecht 

What is this? It has a prison return address. It must be from Larry. Should I let Claire see it?

Mrs. Carson was always the first person to see that the mail had been delivered. She was shocked to see the letter from Larry; her last memory was of the vicious glare he had thrown Claire as he exited the court room. Claire had been crying into her lap, but Mrs. Carson had seen it. The garbage can was so close. She could hide it under some garbage. Things were going so well for Claire. She had done so well in school; she was getting job applications ready. She was developing a real friendship with Shelly, and her parenting skills continued to grow, and Davy continued to thrive at Head Start. Larry had no part of what was going well in their lives; it was all about what had gone wrong.

With a deep sigh, Mrs. Carson put the mail down in three piles, one for herself, one for her husband, and one for Claire with Larry’s letter in it. The letters were on the high counter in the kitchen, Davy couldn’t reach this counter. He loved to play with the mail, pretending he could read it. But he couldn’t be depended on to not rip the letters or accidentally rip the return envelope for a bill.  Claire was in the living room playing with Shelly and the kids; at least she wouldn’t see the letter until she had a nice afternoon.

Two weeks ago, Mr. Carson thought of turning Davy’s interest in the mail from an adult problem into a special activity for Davy. He had seen his neighbor about to throw out an empty refrigerator box.  Mr. Carson had taken the box from him and made Davy his own “post office window” right at his height, in the refrigerator box. He then painted post-office in big red letters over the window. Davy was thrilled. He and his friend Marcus loved taking turns pretending to give out stamps and take letters to mail. But, to get the new mail…they had to be patient and wait for the adults to be done first.

The play date today was all around Christmas approaching. Claire and Shelly were having a contest. The boys were holding a stopwatch that would start making noise in five minutes. The moms were competing to see how many presents (empty boxes) they could wrap before the timer went off. They were having so much fun, and laughing so much, they were making zany mistakes with the tape. These made them laugh even more- what a surprise- the game used up all of Mrs. Carson’s spare wrapping paper.

With the wrapping done, the moms took the presents out of the room and then suddenly Mr. Carson appeared, pretending to be Santa Claus with a pillow case full of gifts. He handed his elf (Davy) one present at a time to hand to the mail man (Marcus). Once all the packages were in the mail, everyone got to eat the brownies Mrs. Carson made as a reward for their hard work. Their Santa preferred brownies to cookies; as they ate the brownies, everyone agreed their Santa was smart on snacks.

The boys each offered the other the last brownie. In the end, Davy slowly cut it in half and let Marcus pick first. “They are becoming good friends,” Shelly said with a smile. “We are too,” Claire said giving Shelly a hug. The boys were now hiding under the coffee table. They knew it was almost time for the play date to end. “Boys, do you think you can find twenty crumbs in the carpet?” Mrs. Carson asked? In an instant, the new game was on, the boys were on their bellies searching for crumbs to put on Mrs. Carson’s empty brownie plate. It will still be disappointing to them when it is time for Marcus and Shelly to go home, but everyone will be tired, happy, and….the carpet will be clean of brownie crumbs.

Children have been found to increase their communication and social skills just by playing with each other. Claire and Shelly were accelerating this process by playing games with them, and actively incorporating things like “waiting,” “counting”, “sharing” into the rules of the game. Do you ever use play to teach children something so that learning and fun are merged together?

If you would like to learn more about how to do this, you might want to check out this website “Kid Sense” at:https://childdevelopment.com.au/areas-of-concern/play-and-social-skills/

By    K. Hecht & A. Hosack, P. Berman

 

What if no one wants me? What if they hate me on sight? What if I just freeze up?

Claire was practicing job interviews with Shelly while Mrs. Carson played with their kids. Even though these were just “practice”, Claire kept having negative thoughts about being rejected. Shelly was asking Claire simple questions, but her fears shut her brain down and she didn’t know what to answer.  Shelly had just asked, “Why did you want to be a dental hygienist?”

“Claire, why aren’t you answering me?” Claire had been looking at Shelly but not seeing her.

Claire was deep inside her own head. She was hearing her mother scream “loser.”  She was huddled in a corner, pushing herself into the wall trying to disappear from the abuse. “Claire,” Shelly called out again. This, time, Claire heard Shelly’s voice not her mom’s. She looked up and said, “I’m so sorry, Shelly. I was caught in a fog.  (1-minute pause) You are trying to help me, and I am letting you down. (1-minute pause) I am just so scared about these interviews.”  Shelly took Claire’s hand and looked her in the eyes. “You can do this Claire. This is much easier than school and you did great at that. Come on, open your mouth and say something that is true. Sure, I know you were looking for a job that could support you and Davy. So was I. Don’t lead with that. Start with something you like about dental offices.”

What do I like? (2-minute pause) No one screams or hits me.  It’s calm. I feel calm there. I want to work there. I do.

“Why do you want to work here?” Claire took a deep breath, thought for a moment about her fish, and then said, “Everything about your office makes me feel at home. I am like a member of a family of people who are calmly and efficiently helping to keep people healthy.” Shelly looked at Claire with a grin, “That was fantastic. You have earned a tickle party.”

Shelly and Claire ran into the room with the kids and began chasing them around, gently tickling them until everyone was literally out-of-breath. Lying in a heap on the floor with Davy, Claire stared up at the ceiling and reviewed her day. She still felt anxious but now, also excited. Shelly had helped her figure out why she enjoyed being a dental hygienist. She had shared her fears- and Shelly had taken her hand, not pushed her away. Shelly wasn’t disgusted by her “needing something.”

My mother was wrong.  Nurse Karin, Ms. Alexandra, the Carsons and now Shelly, all knew she needed help sometimes and hadn’t seem disgusted at all. I needed help growing up, just like Davy does now. Maybe my mom just couldn’t handle it?

“Claire, are you ready for another interview question?” Shelly was scratching her son Marcus’ stomach and he was purring like a cat. Claire smiled. She was learning to be like the Carsons and Shelly; a loving mother. She looked at Davy and said, “If I answer another question, can I scratch you to make you purr?” Davy rolled onto her lap. “I will lay her quietly mommy while you answer your school question.” Claire stroked his hair and smiled.

“Claire, tell me what you like most about being a hygienist?” Claire thought for a moment and said, “I think I liked cleaning kids’ teeth the most. They always look so small in the chair and the noise of the machines can spook them. (1-minute silence) I like helping them laugh and suggesting they pretend to be cows with big huge mouths to open so I can see their teeth.”

“Claire, you need to say that.  Kids are squirmy and lots of hygienists get frustrated by that. It might give you an edge with dentists if they know you enjoy working with kids.” “Kids are just naturally squirmy,” Claire smiled, kissing his forehead. Davy didn’t smile back, he just looked at her and pointed to his belly. She began to gently scratch it and he began to purr and rub his head against her stomach. Mrs. Carson walked into the room with a warm plate of cookies and milk for a mid-afternoon snack. She found two moms scratching the bellies of two contented little boys.

Do you have a friend, neighbor, or colleagues who might need help learning something you are know how to do? Could it be harder to ask for help than to accept it when offered?

Consider taking a personal step. Make the world a more accepting place by offering to help someone this week.